Revisiting Doctor Who - Series 1, Episode 8 - Father's Day

Revisiting Doctor Who - Series 1, Episode 8 - Father's Day

As we open the story with a strangely eerie zooming in shot of Rose's Dad's eyes, Rose asks The Doctor whether they can go and visit him while he was still alive, as she was only a baby when he died. The Doctor agrees, telling her to be careful what she wishes for.

Cue music...

Rose and The Doctor are watching her parent's wedding, her father fluffing Jackie's name as only a bit of a dimwit could do. We see flashbacks of Jackie telling young Rose how no-one was around when he died, and modern Rose tells The Doctor she wants to be the person who is there for him as he dies. They travel back to the day he died in 1987, which we know because there are posters protesting Margaret Thatcher, which never happened recently at all, ever. As her father gets out of his car, another car rounds the corner and ploughs into him, knowing him over and leaving him fatally wounded. The Doctor tells Rose to go to him, but she's too devastated to do anything about it. She asks if she can try again. We then see the two of them from behind, as we realise that we're looking at the two of them from two minutes ago, and the 'real' Rose and Doctor are hidden behind a wall, watching it all, waiting for the two of them from two minutes ago to leave to go back in time by two minutes and that's all irrelevant because the 'real' Rose goes crazy and runs out to save her father from getting run over. She succeeds, and Rose and The Doctor from two minutes disappear. Her father (I'll start calling him Pete now) grumbles about the speed of the other driver, before thanking Rose for saving him, and they both agree Rose is a great name. The Doctor is glaring at them though, and as we last saw that look when he refused to let Adam travel with them again in the last episode, I don't think he's best pleased with Rose. We cut to an aerial view of the council estate, with a red filter and a strained noise, and it doesn't exactly seem like a friendly image.

The three of them head back to Pete, Jackie and Rose's flat, but The Doctor is still being stern with his eyes. This is less 'grumpy Northern', and more 'really annoyed Time Lord'. Rose enjoys looking at Pete's things in the flat, before she finally acknowledges that The Doctor isn't best happy. He calls her a 'stupid ape', waves away her protests that he does this sort of thing all the time by saying that he knows what he's doing, and that he never went back to save his entire race when they died in The Time War. I think he's deliberately skipping the fact that it was time-locked, so he couldn't do it even if he wanted to, but let's ignore that bit. Rose and The Doctor seemingly break up at this point, she accusing him of being jealous at not being the most important man in her life at that second, and he demanding the key to the TARDIS back, storming out. 

As The Doctor heads towards the TARDIS, the red filter and screeching noises come into play again, and this time they attack several people out doing ordinary things like trimming a hedge, hanging out the washing and drinking cider against a wall. Pete tries to console Rose and her 'boyfriend' troubles, although she has to stop him when he starts mildly flirting, before it turns a bit Back To The Future on us. Rose and Pete leave the flat, heading for the wedding Pete and Jackie (and baby Rose) are attending. There's quite a few missing people in the church though, and my money's on the red filter flying things. The Doctor reaches the TARDIS, sensing something up in the sky, but the real horror awaits him when he opens the blue box to discover that it's now just an ordinary sized blue box. He panics, running back for Rose.

In the car, Pete and Rose bond talking about Jackie, although there's obviously something wrong with time when music from the future begins to play on the radio. Her phone is acting strange as well, repeating a message of 'Watson, come here, I need you' (which, of course, was the very first telephone message), but the car that hit Pete appearing behind them and disappearing in a flash shortly afterwards is the strangest bit of all. It then reappears in front of the church, causing them to swerve, and Rose to shout out 'Dad!'. He's interrupted from questioning her too much on this though by 1987 Jackie calling him a plonker. It's all a bit much for Rose, seeing her mother's hair, herself as a baby, and learning that her father may have cheated with a cloakroom attendant (they just fell over under some duffel coats, apparently). Worst of all, her parents clearly argue and are fed up of each other, ruining the image she had in her head of a wonderful marriage. 

The red filter has moved onto taking children from playgrounds now. Jackie and Pete sort of make up, but then the lone escapee from the playground appears shouting about monsters, and when The Doctor rounds the corner shouting for her to get into the church, the monster itself makes an appearance. Imaging a Pterodactyl crossed with a Gargoyle, and you're sort of there. All the guests run into the church in a panic, but not before a few of them are eaten. The Doctor shuts the door once they're all inside, explaining that there's been an accident in time, and that the monsters are here to sterilise the wound, and that Jackie should really shut up for once. Rose asks if it's all her fault, and The Doctor can't bring himself to answer, but at least he seems to have partially forgiven her because it's a pitying look he gives her, rather than the grumpy eyes. He watches the car outside appear and disappear, but doesn't do anything about it at the moment.

Rose looks mournful, thinking over how it’s all her fault, when Pete comes in to ask her why. She won’t give him a reason, but Pete says he trusted her from the moment that he met her, and that’s all a bit weird, considering there’s a wound in time and she called him Dad, and has his eyes, and Jackie’s attitude, and then he strokes her face, and realises it’s his daughter, which is probably a good thing otherwise he’d have got a slap.

Meanwhile, the bride and groom are asking The Doctor if he can save them. After learning how they got together, and assuring them that they’re as important as anyone else, he tells them he’ll try to save them.

Pete and Rose bond a bit more, although he gets the hint that he’s no longer around in the future. It’s all a little bit weird for Rose when 5-year old Mickey runs in and grasps her leg. Jackie comes in and scowls accusingly at the two of them a bit more, before leading Mickey away. The Doctor tries to bond with baby Rose, who looks a bit confused at the strange Northern man, but he has to be firm when modern Rose tries to hold herself. The Doctor apologises for being Northern and grumpy, and admits he doesn’t have a plan for what to do. He tells her that the Time Lords had laws against this happening, and would have stopped it, but that obviously isn’t likely to happen by the end of the episode. All it takes is an apology from Rose, and the two of them are back on friendly terms.When they hug, thinks heat up, but only because the TARDIS key is glowing golden. He borrows a battery from the groom, which is part of the TARDIS-locating plan, but the creatures outside seem to be getting louder.

A bit more bonding between Rose and Pete leads to a few lies, as Rose can’t bring herself to admit he’s died, instead telling the story of who she hoped her father would have been, had he still been alive. In the main church, the TARDIS starts to appear, and The Doctor warns them not to touch the key. Outside, the car appears and vanishes again, reminding us that the plot point isn’t forgotten. The Doctor reassures Rose that everyone will forget what’s happened, and that her father will still be alive. Pete, however, has figured out the truth, and blames himself for the problem, as he is her Dad. He loudly declares that he knows she is his daughter, just as Jackie, Queen of Brilliant Timing, walks in at this point, asking if he was 12 at the time she was fathered, leading to one of the all-time great disbelieving-Doctor head-shakes, and then Jackie finally learns the truth. However, Pete hands Baby Rose to Modern Rose to show Jackie that they’re the same person, which causes the paradox that allows one of the creatures to enter the church. The creature then eats The Doctor, which surely isn’t how the plan was meant to work, and the TARDIS disappears along with the creature, leaving the key on the floor. All because Rose did a little bit of saving-her-father-from-death. Who’d have thought it could cause this much trouble to change the past?

As the creatures try to tear down the walls from outside, Pete notices the appearing and re-appearing car. He decides to make something of his life, by dying. He tells Rose his plan, and that The Doctor knew that was how to heal time, and that he had tried to protect Pete by not forcing him to die. Rose begs him not to, but she knows really that he must. Even Jackie realises that it’s really her Rose, and looks helpless as she realises that he’s going to die. He promises that this way he can be a real Dad to her, as a hero with a supreme sacrifice, rather than stay around and be a failure. He runs outside, and gets hit by the car, just before he becomes one of the creatures’ dinner. The Doctor appears again, allowing her to run and be with him during his last minutes. He dies with her holding him, as the people in the church come out to see what’s happened. We cut back to young Rose, who explains the new version of what happened, of how he ran out in front of a car, and a girl held his hand as he died, and Jackie never found out who he was.

Rose narrates a small eulogy about her Dad, as she and The Doctor walk hand in hand back to the TARDIS.

We’re always warned in science-fiction that messing with the past can seriously screw things up (Doc Brown was very clear in Back To The Future II that a paradox could destroy the entire universe, or if they were very lucky just their own galaxy), and boy, does it mess up in a big way here. I doubt evil creatures were what many people imagine when they think of a paradox, but here it’s a very effective way of showing danger approaching and becoming more dangerous with every passing minute. It's also a pretty important piece of character development between Rose and The Doctor. She betrays his trust, putting the entire world in danger for one selfish reason (although it's a perfectly understandable one), and for a time it looks as if their adventure together could be over, but in the end her sorrow is entirely heartfelt, and the way he smiles at her after her apology tells you all you need to know. That slightly-manic smile is so iconic of Eccleston's Doctor, it's the first thing I think of to do with the character. 

If you wanted to showcase to someone just how good Billie Piper has been as Rose, you need only to show them the scene where Pete explains that he needs to die to reset the timeline. Her distraught ‘[you’re] my Dad,’ packs such an emotional punch. She’s right when she cries ‘it’s unfair’, and it’s not exactly an easy scene to watch if you get emotional at moments like this (which I do, of course). To me, this is one of the stand-out scenes of Rose's entire character, with an emotional resonance close to that of when she is trapped in the parallel world in the Series 2 finale. 

It's also an important moment when Pete tells Rose that The Doctor knew he would have to die right from the beginning in order to reset the timeline, and that he wanted to exhaust every avenue to try and bring Pete back into Rose's life before the ultimate sacrifice had to be made. It's another reason why we love The Doctor, and why people will follow him anywhere. In the Series 4 finale, Davros taunts The Doctor with how he has made his own private army and put them in danger - with actions like this, it's no wonder his companions will do anything for him.

I suspect that, in all honestly, Jackie Tyler isn't everyone's cup of tea, but I love the character. Her overbearing and dominant personality is hilarious, particularly the way she comes in at the wrong moment when Pete discovers Rose is really his Rose, and deep down you know she has a heart of gold. It allows The Doctor to have some great moments opposite her as well, his frustration at her not doing as she's told a highlight of his interactions outside of Rose throughout the season.

There's also Pete mistaking Rose and The Doctor for a couple, again leading to Rose declaring 'Why does everyone think we're a couple?!', one of my favourite running-Who gags. It's great when something like this can span multiple companions. In Rose's case, of course, we know that deep down (or fairly obviously in reality) she IS in love with him, but she still tries to hide it. All this build up makes their split in the Series 2 finale all the more heartbreaking.

How It Fits Into The Series As A Whole

Beyond some character development for Rose, it's fairy stand-alone.

Bad Wolf Sightings

'Bad Wolf' appears on an 'Energise' poster.

Overall

A very important episode for Rose, and a tragic story. Billie Piper really comes into her own, and we see an interesting twist on the idea of what would happen with a time travel paradox. Great stuff.

9/10

Revisiting Doctor Who - Series 1, Episode 7 - The Long Game

Revisiting Doctor Who - Series 1, Episode 7 - The Long Game

Solar Flare warnings are playing on a television set, as The Doctor, Rose and Adam step out of the TARDIS in the year 200,000AD, onto Floor 193 of Satellite 5. Rose shows Adam her recently acquired space travelling awareness skills (engines = space ship), and both she and The Doctor enjoy showing Adam the view of the Earth from space, which is now the capital of the 4th Great and Bountiful Human Empire. Rose and The Doctor look on in awe, and Adam faints behind them. Absolutely nothing can go wrong.

Just as The Doctor is waxing lyrical about how awesomely polite and awesome the period is, lots of un-awesome and un-polite people appear in a market. This confuses The Doctor, who wonders where all the non-humans are and why his watch must be wrong, although this doesn't stop him from sonic-screwdrivering a cash point for free cash, which he gives to Adam. He ushers Rose off to follow Adam, wishing them luck on their first date, although Rose seems more fussed about promising to spank The Doctor when she gets back, although I might be reading too much into that. The Doctor collars two local workers to find out where they are, one of whom is very happy to flirt her way to Floor 500, where the walls are apparently made of gold. It turns out that Satellite 5 is full of journalists who make the news, and Simon Pegg is apparently in charge, with several slightly chilly looking workers next to him.

In a futuristic McDonalds, Rose and Adam share a beef slush puppie, before Adam says he misses home. Rose lends him her phone, which he pockets whilst looking very sinister when The Doctor calls them over. Simon Pegg continues to observe them. The Doctor, Rose and Adam follow the two workers from earlier, to observe the generating of a news report. One of them, the innocent looking one, is called Suki. The other, we shall call 'GET ME TO FLOOR 500!',, because I missed her actual name. What we don't miss, is how when she clicks her fingers, a strange silver device bulges out of her forehead, and a stream of compressed information is fired into it from an overhead machine. Her brain therefore becomes a computer, although she'll forget it all when it's finished - all the workers surrounding her have small chips inside themselves which they use to transfer information up to the big machine that's firing it into her brain. Simon Pegg manages to track his disturbance in the force to that room, just as The Doctor declares, quite happily, that the technology is wrong and that it all means trouble. However, we discover that Simon Pegg hasn't noticed our heroes, but Suki as the problem - she has a second biography hidden within her data stream (or something), and when he explains this to something on the ceiling that growls, the growling thing isn't very happy. To lure her upstairs, they give her a promotion. GET ME TO FLOOR 500! is unhappy, but there's nothing she can do.

As Suki celebrates back in the main market place, Adam looks very sneaky when he says he wants to go to the observation deck and that he think Rose is really in love with The Doctor and not him so she should stay put, but Rose doesn't notice because that wouldn't make good television. Rose gives him the TARDIS key 'in case it all gets a bit too much', and he gives an evil grin as he walks away. Seriously, have none of them picked up any hints that he's a bit of a bad egg? Suki quickly says her goodbyes and gets in the lift, and GET ME TO FLOOR 500! (I've just looked up her name - it's Cathica) says that no-one ever comes back from Floor 500. Those who get chosen only get up there with a special key given upon promotion. As Suki arrives on Floor 500, it's a bit less glamourous, and a bit more snowy than she expected. As she searches around with a torch, she discovers a set of rather decayed people in a chamber similar to the one that Cathica received information in before. A door opens revealing a bright light, which she naturally investigates, to find Simon Pegg waving rather camply. He reveals that he is The Editor, and that Suki's biography is all lies. She willingly agrees when she pulls a gun on him, revealing herself to be a bit of an anarchist for 'The Freedom Foundation', who have discovered that Satellite 5 are lying to the people. The growling ceiling creature then makes itself known, called the Editor-in-Chief by Simon Pegg, and appears to eat Suki.

Meanwhile, Adam is sneaking around being a prat. He learns the history of the microprocessor, presumably so that he can go back to the past and make his fortune. Cathica leads The Doctor and Rose back into the information chamber, who deduces that they aren't management, and says there are lots of little reasons that add up to why she had missed the fact that there are no aliens on board. The Doctor says that they whole attitude of the 4th Great and Bountiful Human Empire is behind by about 90 years, and Cathica reveals that Satellite 5 began broadcasting about 91 years ago.

Adam rings home to leave himself a message about the microprocessor, but is instructed to make his way to Floor 16. It's the floor for Medical non-emergencies. He blags his way to getting a chip by saying he is a student from Mars, although he takes some persuading to go through with it when he thinks about the whole brain surgery part of it.

The Doctor breaks into the mainframe, observed by Simon Pegg, and we see that Suki has been made into a chilly worker. The Editor-in-Chief gets grouchy and demands The Doctor is looked into. Cathica panics about them investigating, but The Doctor says she should be more like Rose, who is asking the right questions, like 'why is it so hot?'. Simon Pegg learns that The Doctor and Rose have no identification at all, which earns them a promotion to Floor 500. The Doctor, Rose and Cathica learn that Floor 500 is generating tons and tons of heat, and has all the cooling systems directed upwards to counter this and send the heat downwards, hence why it's so hot. There can be only one solution - GET ME TO FLOOR 500! Which is possible thanks to Simon Pegg sending it down to them.

Adam's surgery is complete, and by clicking his fingers it will appear and disappear. He also has his vomit frozen by nano-termites as a bonus offer. The Doctor and Rose meanwhile step into the lift, but Cathica refuses and leaves. They find the same snowy setting that Suki did when they arrive, and they make their way to meet Simon Pegg. It's revealed that Suki did indeed die, and that all the chilly workers are too, their brain chips continuing despite this. As they try to leave, chilly people restrain them. Simon Pegg explains that it isn't really the 4th Great & Bountiful Human Empire at all, but a place where humans are allowed to leave by the Editor-in-Chief, who is revealed to be a slimy thing with lots of teeth, who's real name is The Might Jagrafess of the Holy Hadrojassic Maxarodenfoe. It has controlled the broadcast of news for the last 91 years, and shaped humanity by doing so. His nickname is Max.

Back down on Floor 139, Cathica decides she would like to visit Floor 500 after all. The Doctor and Rose are shackled, learning that humanity is effectively enslaved. Simon Pegg loves this part particularly well, and he notes that he can see the doubt in anyone and put a stop to it easily. He doesn't notice Cathica sneaking up behind. Rose notes that he isn't a Jagrabelly Jagrafess so why is he doing this to humanity, but he says that he represents a consortium of banks who pay very well.

Adam carries on trying to send messages home meanwhile, which has the unwanted side effect of telling Simon Pegg that The Doctor is a Time Lord. As Adam has the key, Simon Pegg also now has the key. That's a bit of a blow really. The Doctor tries to get a message to Cathica to tell her to upload a message to the rest of humanity, and she has to throw a few decomposed people aside to accomplish it, so she's made up for being a bit moody earlier on to me. She reverses all the air conditioning, melting the icy Floor 500, sending Satellite 5 into a bit of a meltdown (if you'll excuse the pun), killing the Jagrafess. The Doctor and Rose escape using the Sonic Screwdriver, but Simon Pegg doesn't make it. They take Cathica back down with them.

The rest of the station has calmed down a bit, and The Doctor and Rose leave Cathica to clear up - in a good way. The Doctor marches in a very grumpy and Northern way towards Adam, dumping him back home, and erasing the answerphone message that Adam left. Adam wants The Doctor to help remove the chip, but The Doctor refuses. He'll have to live a very average life as punishment, so no-one notices the chip. The Doctor only takes the best, and he has Rose. As we wipe our eyes, Rose laughs at the predicament Adam is in now, before the TARDIS leaves with her and The Doctor in it. Adam's mother arrives home and clicks her fingers...

After last week's excellence-fest, it's not quite such a high level this time. It's not to say this doesn't have a good mystery and excellent sci-fi look and feel to it (the market place on Floor 139 is very Blade Runner-esque), but it's not got the same impact as seeing the Daleks (or Dalek) for the first time this series, or The Doctor threatening to become everything he despises.

One of the disappointments is Adam. I just don't find myself caring at all about him until the very end, when I'm glad he gets punished, and I understand why he's there - it's to show what happens if you abuse the privilege of travelling with The Doctor. The Doctor refusing to allow Adam to continue as a companion is one of the stand out parts of the episode, showcasing how he gives everyone a chance, friend or foe. I just remain very ambivalent to Adam all the way through.

There are some excellent moments showing how Rose and The Doctor's relationship is growing, with moments like The Doctor declaring he only takes the best, and has Rose. There are even stronger hints as well that Rose is falling in love with The Doctor, and although Adam uses it as a way of getting time along on Satellite 5, it's clear that the adoration is there for all to see. No wonder Mickey gets jealous!

Simon Pegg is fantastic as The Editor, and it's a pity that he only has a one episode role, because I could happily see him play a slightly camp evil person any day of the week. The chilly people are sufficiently creepy, especially when you realise that they're dead, although the Jagrafress is a relatively standard evil alien trying to enslave humanity.

I really did love the sci-fi setting this time. Compared to the space station in The End of the World, the sci-fi cheese has gone to a large extent, and it's all the better for it. I could happily spend a bit more time on Satellite 5 (keep quiet, those of you who've seen the rest of the series...).

How It Fits Into The Series As A Whole

Satellite 5 will come back in to play in the two-part series finale.

Bad Wolf Sightings

One of the TV stations is Bad WolfTV.

Overall

It's not up to last week's standard, but it's a great piece of sci-fi TV, and has some great moments of growth in the relationship between The Doctor and Rose, and showcases The Ninth Doctor's sense of morality in giving everyone a chance to prove themselves. Well worth watching still, just don't tell me Adam is an interesting character.

8/10

Revisiting Doctor Who - Series 1, Episode 6 - Dalek

Revisiting Doctor Who - Series 1, Episode 6 - Dalek

I wonder what's coming in this episode?

The Doctor and Rose step out of The Tardis into a museum in Utah, 2012 , having located a signal drawing them to it. This ain't no ordinary museum though - it's an ALIEN museum, full of alien items like Cyberman heads and the speedometer from the Roswell spacecraft. Alarms start to ring as soldiers spring into action, training their weapons on our two heroes. The Doctor is an alien after all. He'd blend in well here.

The owner of the museum (and a sleazy moustache), a gentleman who apparently has the ability to have the President of the USA replaced, makes his way to see them, making some HILARIOUS jokes along the way. We also see from the viewpoint of something being tortured with a drill, and making some very Dalek-like noises as it screams. I wonder what it could be? No time to debate for too long though - The Doctor and Rose are brought in front of the museum's owner, who is busy examining some new alien artefacts. The Doctor schools him on the proper use of one of the artefacts, before he is introduced by an English aide as Mr Henry van Statten, owner of the Internet. They have a bit of a manly stand off (very Northern stuff from The Doctor), where The Doctor learns that van Statten is keeping one living specimen close to where the signal that drew them there is located. Rose heads off with the English chap, whilst The Doctor heads down to visit the 'Metaltron'. 

The Doctor ventures with 'the cage', and discovers the last Dalek in the universe, who's a bit narky at discovering his race's greatest enemy in front of him. However, this Dalek is impotent unable to fire his weapon, and after the initial panic at nearly getting deathed by a death ray, The Doctor lets out some of his Northern anger left over from The Time War, taunting it for being the last of its race and the fact that he made it all happen, before calming down a bit when the Dalek uses reverse psychology and makes him realise that was a bit of a mean thing to say, especially when he's in the same boat. One Dalek taunt too far leads The Doctor to torture him with electricity, and the Dalek to beg for mercy, and it's only stopped when van Statten sends soldiers in to drag The Doctor away.

Meanwhile, Rose and the English chap bond over some alien technology. They flirt over talk of aliens and World War III (that's some sexy talk alright), and Rose reassures him that she and The Doctor aren't an item. She gets disturbed however when she sees the Dalek being tortured on screen. Back in the lift, The Doctor learns that the Dalek fell to Earth at the end of The Time War, and immediately regrets admitting that he too is the last of his race when van Statten has him tied up and his shirt ripped off. Luckily he gets to keep his trousers. Van Statten tells The Doctor of how he uses the alien technology he finds to further mankind's technology, making him very rich and influential in the process. The Doctor tries to warn him about the Dalek, but van Statten's ego and moustache ignore him. 

Rose manages to gain entry to see the Dalek, who's acting a bit pathetic - it's only his entire race that's been destroyed, after all - but she makes the rather silly mistake of laying her hand on his metal casing, which has the unfortunate side-effect of allowing him to activate his cellular reconstruction programme, and burst of his chains. Whoops! Nice one, Rose...

The guard who was torturing it earlier enters, shouts at Rose, and then taunts the Dalek, asking if it's going to use it's sink plunger to 'sucker him to death'. The Dalek immediately suckers him to death, and then suckers the keypad of the door to let it escape. Van Statten frees The Doctor after letting him put his shirt and jacket back on, before watching the Dalek download the entire Internet. It ignores the adult material and cat videos, and goes around death raying everyone, it's mini-shields stopping all their bullets. The Doctor, van Statten and his assistant lady, Goddard, plan to get to the weapons cache as their only chance of stopping it, but the Dalek is standing between them and their goal. Rose, the English chap and a soldier lady flee up the stairs, reasoning that a giant pepper-pot won't be able to climb stairs, but they never reckoned on this one having thrusters. Soldier lady commits the worlds most stupid sacrifice instead of running away, as Rose and the English chap flee.

The Doctor tells all the soldiers to aim for the eye-piece and concentrate all their fire at once, but they're about as useful as Imperial Stormtroopers. Rose notices that it looks directly at her, as if singling her out for something, before it sets off the sprinkler system so it can electrocute them all to death in one go. Now, I know it's been tortured in much the same fashion, but forgive and forget guy - this is why the Daleks have a bad reputation.

The Doctor, van Statten and Goddard plan another escape, before the Dalek remotely activates the monitor near them and shouts a bit, telling the three of them it's going to just kill everyone because it hasn't got anything better to do. The Doctor suggests it kill itself and die a bit, to which the Dalek responds by telling him he would make a good Dalek if he ever thought about switching careers. Rose and the English chap sprint up the stairs away from the Dalek, but The Doctor has to close the bulkhead doors to stop it getting through, and Rose is trapped on the wrong side. We hear the Dalek shout 'exterminate' and then the line goes dead. The Doctor flips out at van Statten as he realises he has lost his companion, but then we learn that the Dalek didn't actually fire, and Rose is still alive. It tells her that it feels her fear, and it has been contaminated due to her DNA when it touched her. It re-contacts The Doctor, using guilt and emotion to force him to re-open the bulkhead doors.

The Doctor and the English chap search for uncatalogued weapons, as the Dalek's already rather shaky sanity seems to deteriorate even further when it questions why it didn't kill Rose. She stops it killing van Statten by questioning what it wants, to which it declares 'freedom'. It breaks a hole in the ceiling, ready to fly off and begin its own adventures, possibly with a spin off series on CBBC, opening up its casing to show Rose what it really looks like whilst feeling the sun on its skin. The Doctor, however, has other plans, determined to shoot it. Rose pleads with him, telling him that by not killing her and van Statten it must be changing, and that if he is willing to kill it that he must be changing too. The Doctor realises it's true, and tells it that is has mutated thanks to Rose's DNA, but also says that it is not good for a Dalek, and when the Dalek itself pleads for Rose to order it's own destruction, she realises she has to do it. It learns that she is frightened, and tells her that it is too, before exterminating itself. 

Van Statten finds himself taken away for his memory to be erased as punishment for the deaths he caused, whilst The Doctor and Rose prepare to leave. The Doctor mournfully declares himself the winner of The Time War, telling Rose that he knows no other Time Lords are alive as he can't find them. The English chap, who I've just found out is called Adam, arrives to tell them all they have to leave, but The Doctor allows him to come along with them when Rose argues that he should come along because she fancies him he's always wanted to see the stars. They leave, ready to go and confront Simon Pegg on next week's episode. 

And so, to the first confrontation of the modern series with Doctor Who's greatest villains. There's only one of them, but you only need one to cause mayhem. It's an excellent twist when we learn it's mutating due to Rose's DNA, as it gives us the episode's excellent ethical dilemma - is The Doctor any better than the Daleks? Of course, we know he is really, but needs to make these discussions if it want's to be as intelligent as this, and it does it superbly. Whilst the other villain of the week, van Statten is your fairly typical evil collector, the character works very well for the story, and it's a bit of a surprise that he doesn't end up dead, although he does of course end up with his memory erased. I'm less enthusiastic about English Adam coming along for the ride next week, as he's one of the most forgettable parts of the episode, but maybe he'll be better in the next episode.

Watching Eccleston vent The Doctor's fury at the Dalek when they first meet, asking it how does it feel and what is it going to do to him, is a pretty intense scene. We see the anger and emotion that the Ninth Doctor carries from The Time War spill out, and although Eccleston's Doctor has always been a grumpier than Tennant or Smith's, it still feels a shock to see - it's completely understandable of course, and is one of the key moments of the series in realising just how heavily The Time War affected The Doctor. When the Dalek asks, 'you made it happen?', the sudden shift to vulnerable and sorrowful is superb, and highlights the burden he carries, and how much he knows that though he rid the universe of it's greatest threat, he killed all of his people by doing so. He's a murderer of an entire race, just like the Daleks want to be (and have been in the past), and that's pretty hard to take. Even so, it's disturbing watching him torture the Dalek with electricity and hear it scream for mercy, only to watch The Doctor ask 'why should I?'. As you'd expect, Eccleston is fantastic at going from one end of the scale to the other, and it's another stand out seen from the first series to go along with The Doctor telling Rose he doesn't want to put her in danger in the previous episode's cabinet room scene.

The final talk between The Doctor, Rose and the Dalek is also pretty powerful. Thanks to Rose's DNA, the Dalek has mutated to have traces of mercy and other emotions, which causes great turmoil within The Doctor - he knows he should kill any Dalek as it's the biggest threat to the universe, but this isn't an ordinary Dalek. When Rose tells him that she doesn't like what he is changing into, you can see the reason why he has a companion with him - it keeps him level-headed when he needs it most. It's also strangely heart-breaking to watch the Dalek want to die as it is longer what it thinks a Dalek should be, and to proclaim that it is scared is almost enough to prompt a few tears. 

It's also very crowd-pleasing to hear the Dalek described as a 'giant pepper-pot'. 

It's hard to give this episode enough plaudits. There are some incredibly powerful scenes that really make you stop and think, and the acting is phenomenal at times, particularly from Eccleston. Billie Piper has impressed me more often so far this series, mostly because she wasn't an established actress like Eccleston at the time, but he shows just how incredible he is here, and has done more and more as the series has gone by. He's so different to Tennant and Smith, and because he only had one series it's easy to forget moments like this, but he's a fantastic kind of different. Piper is still great, her scene where she's about to get shot outside the bulkhead a particular highlight, and there's just something so easy to relate to with her as the wide-eyed companion along for the adventure. 

How It Fits Into The Series As A Whole

This is, of course, the return of the Daleks, The Doctor's greatest foe, although it's only a single Dalek in this episode. More, LOTS more, will come by the end of the series.

Bad Wolf Sightings

Henry van Statten's private helicopter is called 'Bad Wolf One'.

Overall

The best episode so far of the revived Doctor Who, and possibly of all seven series by the time I've revisited them all. Full of tension and drama, and some phenomenally good acting, this should be one of the starting points for converting non-Doctor Who fans. Unmissable.

10/10

The Journey To Publication-Hood - Part 1 - Writing

The Journey To Publication-Hood - Part 1 - Writing

It's every person's dream at some point to be a published writer. Whether it was a fleeting moment when you were a child, or a constant dream all the way through your adult life, there's always a time when you'd love people to read something that you've written and think, 'Wow, that's amazing.'

I'm no exception. I've been writing stories and attempted humour-based articles since I was young, all in the hope that someone will read them and praise them. I'm terrible at finishing them off, but I can come up with an idea for something new in the blink of an eye. Currently, I have ideas for one adult fantasy trilogy, two dystopian teenage thrillers, one teenage fantasy thriller, one teenage magic-based mystery thriller, three childrens adventure series, and several childrens picture books. Out of all those, I have about four chapters written for the adult fantasy trilogy, several pages of notes and attempted first pages for all the young adult and children's stories, and two complete childrens picture books that have been through at least two drafts each. As I said, I can come up with ideas but I don't exactly find it easy to finish them off.

You may have noticed, however, that I listed two complete childrens picture books in there. Yep, I've actually managed to complete a couple of stories. Although this may seem less of an achievement when you realise that a standard children's picture book is made up of 32 pages, and each of these pages only has two lines of rhyme each when I write them. Still, I'm damn proud that I've managed to stick with these through to the end, through a couple of drafts no less. So, what to do now? Well, there's only one step really, isn't there - of course, I'm going to try and get them published.

The picture books actually just started out as ideas for using at storytimes with the young kids at the library. As a challenge, I thought I'd try and write some stories myself so that I'm not just relying on the books we have in stock that week to deliver a storytime - hence we have a story about a giraffe looking for love for my next jungle/zoo-themed storytime, and a story about a monster who eats everyone for a monster-themed session. As you might expect, I've showed them to people now that they're written, and because people are polite, the response has been very positive. 'You should get them published!' I've heard several tiems. Does this make me think they're good enough to get them published? No, of course not. As I said, people are polite, and this is what you say to someone who gives you a story that they've written. What makes me think it's worth a shot is simply that they're written, and therefore there's nothing to lose. I might as well dream.

This is by no means the first blog that's ever been written that aims to share the journey towards getting a debut story published, but to keep my brain focused on improving at writing, I thought I might as well.

So, after the intro spiel, where am I up to?

Well, when looking into childrens picture books, I learned a few things:
1. The average page length of a picture book is 32 pages
2. The average word length is nearer to 500 but up to 1000 words
3. Get a literary agent

My strongest typing of writing in this field appears to be rhyming ever two lines, so I very dilligently went about ensuring that my first story, Clarence Giraffe Looks For Love, rhymed every two lines, and that it was split into 16 verses of four lines each (two lines per page, so four over a double spread). The word length ended up being something like 584, so I'm right where I need to be for word count. I sent the first draft off to friends and family, took on some comments (mainly about how the lines flowed) and edited it into a second draft. Deciding that I'd made it as good as I could after this second draft (there are, after all, only so many different terms for marriage and rhymes that go with them in the English lexicon), I moved onto Step 3, searching for a literary agent. I loaded up page after page that dealt with childrens picture books, only to discover that most of them recommend sending in three separate books if you want to write picture books. So, back to the drawing (writing?) board I went.

Having a couple of lines in my head about an old lady mistaking a monster for her husband due to very poor eyesight, this quickly became Ethel & The Monster. Again it ended up being 32 pages of 16 four-line verses, and again it went to friends and family, I received some feedback, and edited it to create a second draft. I'm still not entirely satisfied yet, so there's still some work to be done, but it's close.

And then to a third book, and my first major headache. A couple of years ago, my wife and I came up with a concept that we thought could span a whole series of books, about a time travelling dog called Little Ed Dog (named after a friend) who uses the cupboard in his owner's bedroom to visit all different historical eras, which would make the books both educational and fun. We even came up with about 8 different titles, none of which had anything to do with time travel - my favourite was Who's That In The Mirror Ed Dog? That's right, it's you!. 'Aha,' I thought to myself, 'the third book will surely write itself!'

Alas, it's never that simple. Try as I might, I just could not get historical facts about Rome to rhyme well enough to make it feasible. I'm sure this is something a much better-skilled writer could accomplish, but that's certainly not me at the moment. So, what's the next step? Do I write it as a general storybook (which would showcase a different, non-rhyming style to prospective agents)? Do I change the concept of Little Ed Dog altogether? Do I rack my brains for a new story entirely?

It helps sometimes to have someone to talk through these problems with. Yesterday, sitting on the swings with my wife and son, talking through how I'd gotten stuck, we struck on the idea of these adventures taking place in the library, rather than Little Ed Dog's owner's bedroom. From there, it seemed obvious that he should be reading books about a subject, and to try and get across the idea about how awesome libraries are (they are dear reader, as you know, awesome) we thought that the books themselves should magically transport Little Ed Dog to the era he was reading about. And then we suddenly came to the idea that I think could make this series stand out. I've no idea how we hit on this idea, but all of a sudden it seemed perfect that Little Ed Dog would read about fairy tales, be transported to the fairy tale world, and end up helping the hero. Thus, the first Little Ed Dog story was written in about 10 minutes, seeing our hero visit the library for the first time, spring into Little Red Riding Hood's world, and end up being the hero who gets the woodcutter to save the day. An initial attempt at rhyming this was unsuccessful, so I went back to trying a different style and writing it as a straight story.

One little snag - I just couldn't get the word count down to less than about 1300 words, which I've been assured is far too many for a picture book, no matter what age. So close, and yet so far?

Not neccessarily. As you know, there are plenty of fairy tales still to write about which Little Ed Dogg could enter to save the day, so I've set myself another task now - writing a compilation of short stories on this very theme, just like with Just William or My Naughty Little Sister. I've got ideas for other fairy tales, so there's plenty to work on there, and as far as I'm aware there haven't been stories on this theme widely published before, so hopefully this is a slightly new niche.

None of which is any use when it comes to my third picture book, because of course I'm right back at the beginning of needing a new topic.

So there you have it. I've got two pretty much complete childrens picture books, and the start of a compilation of stories for slightly older children. I need a third picture book before I submit to literary agents, and then the process of trying to become a published childrens author can begin.

I hope I haven't waffled too long in this article (I'm sure the next one will be shorter with less introduction to be made), but hopefully it might give an insight into the publishing process if you've never read about it before. I certainly don't know much, and I'm looking forward to finding out all the steps along the way.

Hopefully there'll be a positive end to all of it!

Revisiting Doctor Who - Series 1, Episode 5 - World War III

Revisiting Doctor Who - Series 1, Episode 5 - World War III

We return from last week’s cliffhanger of the world about to fall into alien hands, to see that The Doctor has managed to disable them all by turning their own electricity things on them. Mickey rescues Jacqui and Harriet Jones and Rose search for the emergency protocols, getting stalked by a Slitheen as they do so. The Doctor has to flee as his perfectly truthful ‘The Prime Minister is an alien’ speech doesn’t fool the army, and although he is soon captured and threatened with execution, he escapes using the lift. As he runs around various floors, Harriet Jones and Rose hide from the Slitheen chasing them. The Slitheen dressed as the Acting Prime Minister and General decide that they’d rather be naked together in the lift, so we leave them to it. After a bit more running around, the three Slitheen meet up and discuss eating Harriet Jones and Rose, but just as they’re discovered The Doctor squirts them with a fire extinguisher, giving them chance to escape.

Finally, in the main cabinet office, The Doctor manages to get some answers out of the Slitheen, after Harriet Jones very helpfully points out that she thinks they’re aliens. Although she didn’t think The Doctor was an alien because of his Northern accent. He IS very Northern, isn’t he? Anyway, it turns out that ‘Slitheen’ is just their surname, and that the three of them are a family business. They’re out to make a profit, although they’re not giving away any details. When the Slitheen start getting a bit uppity, The Doctor locks them safely away inside the cabinet room, before realising that they’re now trapped.

Mickey and Jacqui make their to Mickey’s flat with the Slitheen in Police clothing still searching for them, and we get a nice little cameo from Andrew Marr outside Downing street, who introduces us (unknowingly) to more Slitheen in disguise, who fart to let us know this. The farting is explained at last, as a by-product of squeezing their large form into human disguises, so we should probably let them off if they can’t help it. Back in the cabinet rooms, The Doctor makes Ricky Mickey look bits up on the internet, as Jacqui demands to know whether Rose will be safe with him, but he is saved having to answer as Mickey accesses U.N.I.T.’s databases. The Slitheen interrupts Jacqui and Mickey, leaving The Doctor, Rose and Harriet Jones to desperately find the reason behind the invasion – calcium decay. And therefore, they obviously come from Raxacoricofallapatorius, which I really think was rather obvious and they should have got earlier on, but hey ho. Vinegar is the key to defeating them (again, obvious if you think about it), so lobbing some pickled eggs at it blows the Slitheen up in Mickey’s apartment.

Following this, The Acting Prime Minister makes a speech making up alien forces in the clouds so that they can get their hands on the nuclear access codes from the United Nations. The Doctor opens the cabinet rooms up again to confront the Slitheen, and we finally learn that their plan is to nuke the Earth to reduce it to molten slag and then sell it on for profit. The radioactive chunks of planet can power plenty of spaceships it seems, but this isn’t the sort of deal that The Doctor is going to allow, so he threatens them again in his best Northern way, and closes the cabinet rooms off once more.

Overnight, news reports detail how the United Nations are meeting to prepare for humanity’s first inter-planetary war. In the cabinet rooms, The Doctor declares that there is a way out, but he can’t guarantee Rose’s safety. Although if he doesn’t do it, everyone on the planet will die. Rose does what we expect of her, and says he needs to do it anyway, even though she doesn’t know what it is, and we fall in love with her that little bit more. Harriet Jones then pipes up and shows her dominant side as the only formally elected person in the room by commanding The Doctor to do it, saving him the burden of having to make the choice. The Slitheen seem more concerned again by getting naked to celebrate, which I have plenty of sympathy with, but as we all know, this is probably going to be a premature call. Mickey hacks into the Royal Navy databases and fires a missile at Downing Street, which now we now the plan, would certainly seem to be the sort of thing that would put Rose in danger. The Doctor, Rose and Harriet Jones hide under some shelves and manage to survive the blast, but the Slitheen are decidedly more dead. As our intrepid trio climb out of the rubble, Harriet Jones brings out her dominant side again, so much so that The Doctor suggests she become the next Prime Minister. Ha, they wouldn’t would they? Well, apparently she’s going to be elected for three successive terms and lead humanity’s golden age, so I’m sure that’s all going to work out just fine.

Rose and Jacqui are reunited safely once more, and start arguing for a change. Jacqui wants to cook him a shepherd’s pie and safety pin meal, but he rings Rose to tell her he’ll be back in a couple of hours after surfing a nebula. While he waits for Rose to choose the TARDIS over hear tea, he tells Mickey that he’s done well, and asks him to upload a virus that will erase all mention of him from the internet. After an emotional goodbye, The Doctor and Rose head off, leaving Mickey and Jacqui awaiting their return in ten seconds time. Although the TARDIS doesn’t materialise. Tut tut.

If you read any criticisms about the Russell T Davies era of Doctor Who, one of the main ones will be that he can write an amazing cliffhanger, but he can’t satisfy the conclusion. Well, I’ve got two minds about it in this episode. At the end of the last episode, we saw the Slitheen kill a load of important political figures and look like doing the same to The Doctor, whilst basically looking set to take over the world – whilst this was a great cliffhanger, The Doctor throwing the electrifying object back at Slitheen and electrocuting them all through some (as far as I can remember) hitherto unannounced psychic link has a little bit of a cop-out feel to it. Having said that, I really enjoyed the episode as a whole, and thought the Slitheen’s plan and method for achieving it was great, with a genuine sense that there was a possibility it would partially succeed the first time I watched it.

The scene where The Doctor declares that he can save the day but he can’t guarantee Rose’s safety is one of the best acted so far this series. Eccleston's expression when he says ‘I could lose you’ tells us everything we need to know about how The Doctor and Rose’s relationship is developing. Rose’s declaration that he needs to do it even though she doesn’t know what it is that will put her in danger is also another showing of the bravery that a companion of The Doctor must have, and coupling this with Jacqui and Mickey’s panic at Rose being put into a dangerous situation makes it all the more powerful. It really is a stand out scene in a show that it full of them. There’s also a tender moment at the end of the episode where Jacqui begs Rose not to go, and considering Jacqui’s normal feisty persona, it really comes across as a desperate plea.

At the very end of the episode, The Doctor asks Mickey to upload a virus to destroy every mention of him, because he’s dangerous, and he doesn’t want people following him. In terms of contrast between The Doctor at the beginning of the series relaunch, and Series 6 where he reaches the height of his notoriety across the galaxy, this is huge. This Doctor has come recently from The Time War and wants to stay in the shadows because of what he’s done, but starting with the Tenth Doctor and continuing particularly with the Eleventh, the name of ‘The Doctor’ will continue to grow in recognition until it becomes so infamous that he has to choose to shrink back into the shadows for the good of the universe. What’s brilliant about re-watching these episodes now is discovering little pieces like this that mean far more now than they did when the show was first broadcast. Whilst I highly doubt that Russell T Davies ever knew that The Doctor’s name would become so feared he would have to erase all knowledge of himself again in five series’ time, I love that the show develops in such a way that I can connect the two eras together like this.

The Doctor’s plan to save the day by destroying Downing Street goes to show the extent he will go to to ensure that justice is served and the innocent don’t suffer. He only chooses to kill the Slitheen when he has no other choice and has warned them several times. It’s a trait of The Doctor that is shown time and time again, and is very apparent here.

The Slitheen themselves are a little bit too cartoonish for me, whilst accepting that Doctor Who is primarily meant to be a children’s show. Part of the problem is that whilst the costumes are very good, even close up, they appear really clumsy overall and not really that threatening. The plan itself is very threatening, and the fact that they can dress up as humans helps to give them this dark edge.

It’s good as well to see Mickey finally making some headway in impressing The Doctor, and Jacqui’s hard feelings toward him are also starting to soften. Whilst I’m pleased that The Doctor is becoming more accepting of Mickey and is growing on Jacqui, some of the funniest moments of the show so far this series have been around Mickey and The Doctor’s banter, or just Jacqui being Jacqui, so I hope things don’t get too amenable too quickly.

How It Fits Into The Show as a Whole

The alien invasion is dismissed as fake, so first contact isn't counted as occurring yet.

Bad Wolf Sightings

The American newsreader is named ‘Mal Loup’, with is French for Bad wolf.

Overall

A strong conclusion to the first two-parter of the modern Doctor Who. There are some truly excellent moments, particularly when The Doctor shows how much he cares about Rose with the despair about putting her in danger, and the plan the Slitheen have for the destruction of Earth is fiendish and scarily easy to pull off.

9/10

Top 10 - Red Dwarf Episodes

Top 10 Red Dwarf Episodes

Red Dwarf. One of cult comedies most revered sons, and unquestionably one of  the BBC's (and now Dave's) greatest comedy products alongside Alan Partridge, Fawlty Towers and Blackadder. 'What better way to spend your time than thinking back over your favourite episodes?' thought I to myself. 'Aside from mud-wrestling Brian Blessed,' myself responded to I, 'I can't think of any.' And so here we are. 

As usual, tell me what I've missed out and what ordered it should have been in.

10 Future Echoes
The second episode of Red Dwarf, and already we were treated to an intelligent science-fiction concept that would help to mark out the show as being far different from anything else around. It makes it on to this list for both this reason, and for being very funny in its own right. The most memorable moment is probably Lister's double conversation with Rimmer in the Drive Room, first talking to Rimmer from a few minutes in the future and being left utterly confused at Rimmer's reaction to his questions (the way Rimmer turns to face the opposite direction halfway through is a particuar highlight), and then his dialogue the second time leading to the answers from Rimmer that he gave first time round (it makes sense if you watch it!). We learn a bit of Dwarf-lore, with Lister's desire to have twin sons and name them Jim and Bexley (after his Zero-G Football idol, Jim-Bexley Speed), and there's a great bit of devilment from Holly in giving Rimmer a ridiculous haircut. The highlight of Series 1 for me. 

Best Gags:

Rimmer: (after Holly gives him a bee-hive hairdo) I like it like this. It makes me feel like a man!

Rimmer: (still talking about his haircut) You look how you are Lister, and I look (notices himself in the mirror finally) like a complete and total tit!

Lister: (walking out with a lead pipe) I'm going out like I came in - kicking and screaming.
Rimmer: You can't whack Death on the head!
Lister: If he comes near me I'm gonna' rip his nipples off!


9 Holoship
There's some classic Dwarf in here, as Rimmer temporarily joins the crew of the Holoship Enlightenment, comprising the greatest that the Space Corps has ever seen. Which explains why Rimmer only joins it temporarily. As the opening episode of Series V, this marks the beginning of the 'Series V/VI era' - I'm sure I'm not the only one who thinks that you can theme the Red Dwarf Series into I/II, III/IV and V/VI, and then see VII, VIII, Back to Earth, and X as each being separate again. Part of it is the look of the show and the set designs, and part is almost the style of story and jokes, although I can never nail down exactly what that style is, other than that I think it's there.

The crew of the Enlightenment is wonderfully obnoxious and snobby (Rimmer: Which is why, Captain, I feel I could really belong here; Number One: Are you serious?!). There's an obvious desire to give Rimmer's character another boost of development, as he learns to sacrifice his wants for someone he loves (and gets laid!), and throughout there are some absolutely classic gags that are up there with some of Dwarf's finest. I also have a fondness for this episode because of an outtake, that of course isn't technically part of the show - when Lister threatens one of the members of the Enlightenment with a holowhip, he eats the cigarette from the box he has been using as a pretend radio, which he acknowledges in the outtake with an 'I don't know why I ate that *bleep* cigarette!'. Classic stuff.

Best Gags:

Cat: What?  Am I the only sane one here?  Why don't we drop the defensive shields?
Kryten: A superlative suggestion, sir, with just two minor flaws.  One, we don't have any defensive shields, and two, we don't have any defensive shields. Now,  I realise that, technically speaking, that's only one flaw but I thought it was such a big one it was worth  mentioning twice.

Kryten: They've taken Mr. Rimmer! Sir, they've taken Mr. Rimmer!

Cat: Quick! Let's get out of here before they bring him back!

Number One: Commander Natalina Pushkin, IQ 201.
Number Two: Commander Randy Navaro, IQ 194.
Rimmer: Second technician Arnold Rimmer, IQ unknown.

Crane: You know ... we usually talk.
Rimmer: What do you talk about?
Crane: Oh, research, new theories, mission profiles.
Rimmer: I'm sorry.  I must have seemed very ignorant.  I hardly said anything apart from, "geronimo."

Kryten: Sir, I beg you to reconsider.  If not for your sanity, you haven't even considered the moral implications of your decision.  You will be joining a society where you will be compelled to have sex with
beautiful, brilliant women twice daily, on demand.  Now, am I really the only one here who finds that just a little bit tacky?  (Lister and Cat are speechless) Well, quite clearly I am!

8 Better Than Life
Another entry from the early years, Better Than Life is a great example of the show taking the concept of being three million years in the future and really looking at what that would mean for the crew, rather than just ignoring the human side of it. Rimmer discovers that the mail pod scheduled to arrive just before the accident three million years ago contained a letter from his mother, informing him of his father's death. It's the first time that Rimmer (or Lister really) have had it hammered home that everyone they know has died, and it affects Rimmer as if it's happened in the last couple of days. It's a fairly heavy thing to include in a sitcom set in space, and it leads to another piece of future technology that we'd all love to have - a computer game that gives you anything you want, and is completely immersive. From here, we see the Cat's desire to have a half fish, half human girlfriend (top half fish of course), Lister drinking fine wine (in a pint mug as ordered) and Rimmer's own psyche turning his every fantasy into a living nightmare. Man, he really is messed up. It's my favourite of the early Dwarf episodes, due to a mixture of looking deeper into the consequences of living three million years in the future, some excellent character development, and some great gags.

Best Gags:

Lister: Rimmer, real dumplings, proper dumplings when they're properly cooked to perfection, proper dumplings, should not bounce!

Lister: "I write to--" I can't read that.  Oh, "I write to inform." "I write to inform you that your father is dad." Well of course he is. Maybe it's your father stroke dad.
Rimmer: It's dead.
Lister: I can't make it out.  (Holds letter up and examines it.)
Rimmer: My father is dead.
Lister: What?
Rimmer: My father is DEAD!
Lister: Oh yeah it's an E!  (Happy to have solved it.) That's what it is! Your father's dead, Rimmer!

Lister: Shhhhh.  Not now, man.  Rimmer's dad's died.
Cat: I'd prefer chicken!

Newsreader: Archeologists near mount Sinai have discovered what is believed to be a missing page from the Bible.  The page is currently being carbon dated in Bonn.  If genuine it belongs at the beginning of the Bible and is believed to read "To my darling Candy.  All characters portrayed within this book are fictitious and any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental." The page has been universally condemned by church leaders.

7 Dimension Jump
The episode that brought us Ace Rimmer (when his wig seemed to fit) - what a guy! Another great staple of Science-Fiction (parallel dimensions) gets an airing here, as we see another version of Rimmer (a funny, charming, dreamy version) land in the main Red Dwarf universe. There are some wonderful initial scenes in Ace Rimmer's home universe, where we see the crew we know so well in different roles - Lister is a Space Corps mechanic named Spanners, the Cat is a priest, Robert Llewellyn plays a high-up Space Corps officer named Bongo, and Hattie Hayridge plays Bongo's secretary Millie. Both Millie and Bongo offer Ace one last night of romance before he leaves, helping to hammer home just how dreamy Ace Rimmer is. It's great to see him play off his complete opposite in our Rimmer when he arrives, and it's once more the mix of a great science fiction idea and brilliant gags that make this such a classic episode. This isn't Ace Rimmer's last appearance, but it's by far his best. It's also another chance for our Rimmer's character to develop, as we see a young version of him and learn a bit about the events that shaped him - Ace Rimmer was kept back a year in school which forced him to knuckle down and make something of himself, but our Rimmer wasn't and never learned this lesson. Really, it's a key episode in our understanding of the character.

Best Gags:

Bongo: I know that this probably won't interest you, but I'd hate myself for the rest of my life if I didn't at least suggest it.
Ace: Suggest what?
Bongo: If you're interested, I'll be in my quarters at lunchtime, covered in taramasalata...

Rimmer: I don't believe anybody'd want to go on a fishing holiday where they know there's no fish.
Lister: What, we used to do it all the time, back home.  We used to go down to the canal.  Never any fish in that!  We used to go condom fishing.  I swear!  One time I caught this two-pound black ribbed knobbler!  It was about that big!  (Holds hands about half a meter apart.)

This next one is really in the way Danny John-Jules delivers the word 'fruitiest' that the line itself, but it kills me each time:

Cat: (reading from an in-flight magazine to calm himself during a crash) When most people think of classic wines, they are unlikely to consider the Estonian reds, yet Estonian grapes are among the fruitiest and most subtle.

6 Rimmerworld
I don't think I've ever seen this in a list of top Dwarf episodes, and I can't understand it - it's full of classic moments and quotes, albeit mainly from when Rimmer crashlands and begins the terraforming process. From the glimpse into how messed up his psyche is (his female clone would technically be his sister? What the hell, he just won't tell her), to his mis-recollection of the Red Dwarf crews names ('Custer! Derek Custer! Kit! Titan!), there's laugh out loud moments aplenty. The first half of the episode isn't at the same level as the second, but it's still very good, and leads well into the second half. I'm particularly fond of the severely eroded worry balls, and Lister's needlessly complicated escape plan getting shut down. It also has one of my favourite quotes from all of Red Dwarf, when Rimmer realises that he's alone on the planet with only the most basic of amoeba - 'Relationships would be difficult, but not impossible'.

Best Gags:

Cat: All in all, a one hundred percent successful trip!
Kryten: Sir, we lost Mr Rimmer!
Cat: All in all, a one hundred percent successful trip!

Rimmer: (narrating) A desert planet, the only life forms the most basic single-celled protozoa, and me. Relationships would be difficult, but not impossible

Rimmer: As I studied the pod's textbooks, my excitement grew. It seemed entirely possible for me to create a fully-grown female clone, using my own DNA as a template. This of course created the most enormous moral dilemma. Technically, she would be my sister, and therefore unable to take me as her lover. After much soul searching, I reluctantly decided, "What the hell", I just wouldn't tell her.

Lister: There's gotta be a way out. There hasn't been a prison built that could hold Derek Custer. Why don't we scrape away this mortar here, slide one of these bricks out, then using rope weaved from strands of this hessian, we can create a pulley system, so that when a guard comes in over the tripwire, he gets laid out and we put Rimmer in the guard's uniform, he leads us out, we steal some swords and fight our way back to the Bug.
Kryten: Or we could use the teleporter.


5 Back To Reality
I suppose this counts as something of a shock, doesn't it? Only number 5? Must be the only list where this hasn't topped it!

I'm not trying to say that Back to Reality isn't anything short of brilliant, because it is, but I just find the four episodes above it to have a bigger share of classic moments and quotes.

Having said that, there can't be much more of a shock to viewers than learning that Red Dwarf is really just a computer simulation game, and that our four intrepid heroes are actually four very different characters. Of course, out of these Duane Dibley is the most famous, and his first appearance is by far his funniest (I'm not a fan of his showing in Series VI's Emohawk, and don't get me started on Series VIII). To see the Cat as someone so completely different to his usual cool character is brilliant, and for someone so vain his despair is perfectly understandable. As is everyone elses, of course. Kryten taking a life, Lister being evil, and Rimmer not being able to blame his sad life on anyone else is too much for the Dwarfer's to take, and the moment where they almost commit suicide is a pretty dark piece of television for a comedy show. To take a concept like this and still make it hilarious shows just how much Red Dwarf was in its prime at the time. Watching the cast run around the cockpit imagining they're taking part in a high speed chase is classic, and there's a genuine sense of relief when they are brought, literally, back to reality at the end. It's the season finale after all, so the chance that they wouldn't make it is all too real. It's easy to understand why this is so many people's favourite, but the gags in the next four episodes listed here push them past this for me. And that is very high praise indeed.

Best Gags:

Lister: Why would a haddock kill itself?  Why am I even asking that question?

Lister: (being chased by the Despair Squid) There are only three alternatives. It thinks we're either a threat, food, or a mate.  It's gonna either kill us, eat us, or hump us.

Rimmer: I'm not a hologram.  (Smiles.)
Kryten: I'm half human!
Cat: And what the hell's happened to my teeth?!

Kryten: Listen, whoever you are: don't push your luck by ordering whoever I am around. Because, almost certainly, whoever I am, I'm not the kind of guy who's going to take any crap from whoever you are. So before you start ordering me around let's establish whether I'm the kind of guy who doesn't mind being ordered around, or if I'm the kind of guy who gets all up tight by being ordered around by whatever the kind of guy YOU are. Clear?
Rimmer: All I said was, "Open the next one."

4 Quarantine
Well I couldn't leave out the creation of Mr. Flibble could I? And really, there can't be many more iconic scenes of a character in a gingham dress in television history. The classic moments in this episode of numerous - from Rimmer first placing Lister, Kryten and Cat into quarantine upon their return from an away mission, to the infighting between the three of them barely five days later, to Rimmer's first appearance in the gingham dress. Rimmer has clearly gone stark raving nuts, and it's brilliant to watch. He's pretty messed up when he's not stark raving nuts, but he is really does go NUTS here. Mr. Flibble is the icing on the cake to Rimmer's ridiculous gingham outfit, and it really is only fitting that at the end of the episode the other three crew members don the same outfit and leave Rimmer in quarantine himself. The dialogue between the three during their time in quarantine is a particular highlight, especially seeing Kryten falling foul of the same frustration. It must be difficult spending that much time with your friends if it can break a mechanoid's programming! It's also a testament to the show, and the characters that have developed, that the strongest parts of the episode are those when they've returned to the show and it's just the main characters (and Mr. Flibble).

Best Gags:

Lanstrom: Hello. My name is Dr. Hildegard Lanstrom and I am quite, quite mad.
Rimer: Are you really?  How absolutely splendid!

Cat: Sexual magnetism is a virus?  Then get me to a hospital, I'm a terminal case!

Kryten: Well, let's forego the noise and the revolting burbling sound, and go straight to the really gross part, when you always, and I mean always, having blown your nose have to open up your handkerchief and take a look at the contents.  I mean, why?  What do you expect to see in there?  A Turner seascape, perhaps?  The face of the Madonna?  An undiscovered Shakespearian sonnet?

Rimmer: I can't let you out.
Lister: Why not?
Rimmer: Because the King of the Potato People won't let me.  I begged him.  I got down on my knees and wept.  He wants to keep you here. Keep you here for ten years.
Cat: Could we see him?
Rimmer: See who?
Cat: The King.
Rimmer: Do you have a magic carpet?
Lister: Yeah, a little three-seater.
Rimmer: So, let me get this straight.  You want to fly on a magic carpet to see the King of the Potato People and plead with him for your freedom, and you're telling me you are completely sane?!

then...

Lister: What do we do?
Cat: I think our only hope's the Potato King.

3 Gunmen of the Apocalypse

More from Series VI here, as we head into the top 3. Who doesn't love a Wild West theme? My wife, that's who. But this is my list not hers, and sticking a Wild West theme into a science fiction concept wouldn't be done this well again until Firefly. From the initial encounter with the Rogue Simulants (the crew disguised as ambassadors to the Great Vindalooian Empire is sensational), to seeing the Cat embracing his role as 'The Riviera Kid', to Rimmer's 'marvellous!' following the bar brawl (one of my favourite Dwarf moments), this episode is classic moment after classic moment. No wonder it was nominated for an Emmy. 

It also highlights Kryten's true worth to the crew. Just a mechanoid who serves his masters? This one can nullify complex computer viruses that it has never seen before! I also love how we start to see a few other inhabitants of the Red Dwarf universe; we meet Rogue Simulants here, and we'll meet GELFS in the next episode. They are, of course, not aliens, as the Red Dwarf universe is bereft of alien life, but they're examples of the sort of thing that humanity might create in the future, just like we've seen with the Polymorph in Polymorph. It's a great way of keeping the science fiction there, whilst maintaining the no-alien basis. 

Interestingly, if you read Last Human, Doug Naylour's solo Red Dwarf novel, the idea is raised again there but in a much, much darker and depressing fashion. All the novels are worth checking out, and dammit, I might just read them all again and blog about it.

Best Gags:

Kryten: It's rougue simulants all right.
Rimmer: Recommend immediate total and unequivical surrender.
Kryten: Sir, surrender is the worst thing we could do.  They despise humans and all forms of humanoid life.  They believe you to be the vermin of the universe sir.  (Looking at Lister).
Cat: I didn't know they'd met him!

Rimmer: I've no idea who you are, but boarding this vessel is an act of war.  Ergo, we surrender.  And as prisoners of war I invoke the All Nations Agreement article number 39436175880932/B.
Kryten: 39436175880932/B.  "All nations attending the conference are only allocated one parking space".  Is that entirely relevant, sir?  I mean, here we are in mortal danger, and you're worried about the Chinese  delegates bringing two cars?

Kryten: Sir, the only solution is for me to contract the virus myself, analyze it's structure and attempt to create a software antidote before it wipes out my core program.  Do I have your permission to sacrifice  myself, sirs?
Rimmer: Do Lemmings like cliffs?  Granted!

Rimmer: I've seen Westerns, I know how to speak cowboy. (they approach the saloon bar) Dry white wine and Perrier please. And what about you two chaps?

2 Psirens
So that's a third episode from Series VI, and the second in the top 3. Right from the off, Series VI had incredible gag after incredible gag. From Lister's memory slowly coming back, to Cat and Lister falling for the Psiren's illusions, to Lister's slimy Psiren-kiss, it's chockful of some of Red Dwarf's greatest moments. The choice to move the show entirely onto Starbug doesn't affect it one bit, and as this is my favourite series maybe it was a stroke of genius. Admittedly, I've never quite figured how the Psirens can stab a plastic straw through a human's skull without it bending, but maybe that's being a bit too picky...

I love the entirety of the opening sequence, featuring my second favourite line of the show ('Do I have a head shaped like an amusing ice cube?!), giving new fans a quick introduction to the characters, and old fans joy at seeing gags like Rimmer's little finger of charm, and Lister's acknowledgement that he really can't play the guitar. The guitar, of course, features again later as a way to identify a Psiren masquerading as Lister ('That dude could play!').

It almost won first place on this list. Almost. But first place just has that little bit extra. Read the best gags from this episode, and then find out what won...

Best Gags:

Lister: I play guitar?
Kryten: Do I have a head shaped like an amusing ice cube?!

Rimmer: Lister, tune into Sanity-FM!
Lister: Are you saying they were Psirens?
Rimmer: Of course, it's as plain as a Bulgarian pin-up!

Pete Tranter's Sister: You know what you want. You want to squeeze my buttocks together, to make one juicy, giant peach.

Lister: How did you know he wasn't me?
Cat: Because that dude could play!


1 Legion
And so to the top spot. Yep, once again it's from Series VI. My greatest episode of Red Dwarf is Legion. The one where the crew meet Legion, who turns out to be a gestalt entity, made up of the combined intellects and personalities of anyone who is present on board his space station. It's a great sci-fi concept, it features the first appearance of Rimmer's Hard Light Drive and Red Dwarf's greatest nitpick (Lister's double appendectomy), but most of all it's packed full of classic line after classic line, and classic moment after classic moment. The sequence where the Red Dwarf crew first settle down to eat is my favourite of the entire show, from the classic gag about the light switch (the greatest line in the show's history) to their inability to work the anti-matter chopsticks. Furthermore, there's the blue/red alert gag, Lister's space weevil breakfast, the out of tune guitar, opening communications in all known languages (including Welsh)...the list goes on and on. Series VI is the funniest and most strongly written of all Red Dwarf, and this is the pinnacle. A very, VERY worthy winner.

Best Gags:

Rimmer: Step up to Red Alert!
Kryten: Sir, are you absolutely sure? It does mean changing the bulb.

Rimmer: Open communication channels, Lister. Broadcast on all known frequences, and in all known languages, including Welsh.

Rimmer: (Leaning forward against the back of a chair.) We've got to persuade him to come with us.  He'd get us back to Earth in weeks!  And what a team we'd make.  Legion, with his scientific genius, intellect,  culture and sophistication, and us with... (He stops abruptly, realising that his scheme has hit a slight snag.) with...
Lister: With our red alert bulb.

Rimmer: (Next to white box on wall) Now, this 3-dimensional sculpture in particular is quite exquisite. Its simplicity, its bold, stark lines. Pray, what do you call it?
Legion: The...light switch.
Rimmer: The light switch.
Legion: Yes.
Rimmer: I couldn't buy it then?
Legion: Not really...I need it to turn the lights on and off!

Lister: (after strumming guitar to hear it completely out of tune) Amazing. Doesn't even need tuning!

Legion: You truly believed I would be fooled by that schlock plan from 'Revenge of the Surfboarding Killer Bikini Vampire Girls'?!


So there we have it...
10 classic episodes from Red Dwarf. Unequivocally the greatest science fiction comedy show of all time. Do you agree with the choices on this list? Would you have had the same 10 in a different order? A completely different 10? Let me know!