Remakes, Reboots and Sequels - The Reason Why They Hurt So Much

Remakes and Sequels - The Reason Why They Hurt So Much

Look around the internet, for anything. Absolutely anything. A recipe for Yorkshire puddings perhaps. You'll probably go with the first one you find, and maybe you'll check the comments to see how well received it's been. The comments will read something like this:

foodlover56:

Great!

startermaindessert:

OMG I LUV THIS RECIPEEEEEE <3

cookingqueen:

Thank you

cookingwithlightsabers:

These are so good, it almost makes me forget about Jar Jar Binks

maythefourthbewithyou:

ROFL 

endorbbqcompany:

Have you heard Disney have bought Lucasfilm? :( bad times

leavebritneyalone:

LEAVE STAR WARS ALONE!

recipeguru:

Great recipe

recipeguru:

Great recipe

recipeguru:

Great recipe

recipeguru:

They should have left it at the Original Trilogy

picardbeatskirk:

To be fair, Episode III wasn't too bad

cookingwithlightsabers:

*This message has been deleted due to inappropriate content*

maythefourthbewithyou:

*This message has been deleted due to inappropriate content*

originaltrilogyonly

*This message has been deleted due to inappropriate content*

itsatwap:

I will literally hunt you down and paint you with blenderised Weetabix

monmothaisababe:

*This message has been deleted due to inappropriate content*

exhaustportlol:

*This message has been deleted due to inappropriate content*

recipeguru:

Great recipe

Ok, that's a slight exaggeration.

But only very slight.

If there's one thing guaranteed to get the internet going bananas, it's a remake, reboot or unwanted sequel (I know that's three things). An unwanted sequel usually means one coming out many years after the last film, so Live Free or Die Hard (Die Hard 4) coming out in 2007, after Die Hard With A Vengeance (Die Hard 3) in 1995. I avoided mentioning the Star Wars prequels or Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull because they're so obvious, the Universe face palms itself each time mankind brings them up. Which I just did, so sorry Universe, it won't happen again.

Remakes take on a few different forms. Sometimes they're American remakes of films/television series, such as The Office, or Quarantine. Sometimes they're 'reboots', such as Casino Royale (James Bond) or Battlestar Galactica. However they come, they never arrive welcomed by the mass majority. I include myself in this, and I think I've finally figured out why they hurt me so much personally. There have been many articles written on this, but I haven't come across any that mention this reason specifically.

What most articles that comment on this will tell you, is people see these remakes or sequels are desecrating a childhood memory. To an extent I'd agree. My memory of the Indiana Jones trilogy (sorry again, Universe) is that of an almost perfect set of films that I first watched in childhood, inspiring me to want to become an archaeologist, to make sure things belong in museums, and to want to fight Nazis. When Kingdom of the Crystal Skull came out, I laughed off fears that it wouldn't live up to the original films, confident that George Lucas and Steven Spielberg would deliver the goods. It took a few hours but when the tears had finally ended following a trip to the cinema, I felt like a part of me had been destroyed. There's an excellent episode of South Park that sums up how a lot of people felt following that film. But really, had my childhood been destroyed? No. Kingdom of the Crystal Skull isn't from my childhood. Those films that I did watch back then will always be part of it, and nothing can change that.

I won't go into detail about my feelings on the Star Wars prequels (are your face and palms stinging sufficiently yet, Universe?) - I've partially done that in a previous article, but suffice to say I don't exactly have warm feelings towards them. Episode III had some movement in the wrong direction, but flushes most of that down the toilet with at least one incredibly big flaw of logic. But again, did they destroy my childhood memories of the Original Trilogy, even though Episode I came out in 1999, when I was 13 and so still in childhood? No, because I WAS still a child, and so I lived through the nightmare as a child. What I'm trying to say here is that if you are a child when something like this happens, it's more of a bad sequel than a stain on your memory. For everyone 18+, you're childhood isn't affected by them.

The outcry also always forgets where a remake, reboot or belated sequel succeeds incredibly well. The James Bond franchise has been invigorated by the rebooting formula beginning with Casino Royale, which arguably it had to do to keep with the times following the 'grittier' style of popular spy series such as the Jason Bourne trilogy. The Battlestar Galactica 're-imagined' (it means reboot) is my all time favourite television series of all time (and sorry anyone who didn't like the finale - Dad, you're just wrong). True, I never saw the original, but surely the fact that I didn't makes it OK - I have my series of Battlestar, fans of the original have theirs. I love the UK version of The Office, and I'll admit that when I heard there was to be a US remake, I moaned and groaned, but I've only heard positive things about it, and I'm happy to accept that it has plenty of fans. I still groan and wonder why the US has to remake everything the UK produces, but it doesn't impact on the UK version, so really all I have to do is ignore it and be proud that the UK version is miles better. No offence to any US readers, but history would suggest I'm likely to be right about this.

So, if all this is true, then why does it hurt so much when something like a new Indiana Jones film comes out and is terrible (seriously, aliens?). Well, it's not because your childhood is getting screwed with.

It's because it becomes canon.

That's right. When a new film gets added to a franchise, no matter how hard you try to ignore it, morally you know it's now part of its history. When you talk about what you think Indy did post-Last Crusade, whether it's visiting Atlantis or living a quiet life playing Bridge with Marcus, you know that at some point he ends up meeting aliens. And that hurts, it really does. Aliens? Seriously? Why not just make Fate of Atlantis? It couldn't be anything but a winner. 

When the original Star Wars trilogy (just keep face palming indefinitely, Universe, it's probably easiest) were the only set of films, you could imagine what the Clone Wars were like, and how Anakin Skywalker became Darth Vader, and remain ignorant about trade negotiations, the origins of C3-PO and stupid, STUPID JAR JAR BINKS. But now, no matter how hard you try to erase it, or determinedly say 'Oh, I just pretend they didn't happen', deep down you know they did. You can ignore the Expanded Universe if any of that annoys you, because it isn't considered canon, but the prequels are. Morally, you have to acknowledge them. That's right, it's a moral issue. My conscience burns if I try to tell myself Jar Jar is just a nightmare that I've dreamed up.

This is also why arguing against a reboot doesn't have merit. The latest Star Trek film deliberately began a new timeline. All of your favourite Star Trek moments are still valid, they just happened in a different timeline. So your childhood is safe.

Of course, sometimes a remake or sequel is so bad it hurts to watch it just because it's bad. The fact it's associated with a franchise you love is a coincidence. Red Dwarf USA, both pilots, was terrible. But it would be terrible if the dialogue was tweaked to be about a Scottish launderette. Nothing could change that. 

So there you have it. I've put a finger on what's really been bothering you about remakes, reboots and sequels. No need to thank me, it's what I'm here for. I'll admit it, that i'm dreading the Starship Troopers remake, because I see it as unnecessary and don't see how it can top the original. But as long as it doesn't become canon, then I don't really have grounds to complain. I just won't see it. Or i'll see it, and then go and watch the original and remind myself how much better it is.

But i'll probably still complain. Even though I should know better.

The Great 'Which Universe Would I Rather Inhabit' Tournament Round 2 Match 1

The Great 'Which Universe Would I Rather Inhabit' Tournament Round 2 Match 1

Round 2

I’d like to start Round 2 by re-iterating what this tournament is about, and what the arguments within can be. It’s not about which is my favourite series, it’s about which Universe I would rather live in, with its laws of physics, magic etc., and the races and lands within. Accepting that I have a mortal life span, and would have to pick just one era to live in, I’m trying to stay away from basing it on the individual people inhabiting that particular universe (except for Ultima, where everyone seems to be alive most of the time the Avatar is there, so I’d be bound to run in to him constantly on my adventures). I’ve not stuck to a particular time frame in the previous rounds, so I’m sticking with that ethos, although I do wonder if that would have given me more focus. Got to keep on as I did before, however, to keep it a clean fight. Maybe at the end of each match I’ll state my favoured time period. Should probably do that for the losers now really then:

Red Dwarf – well, you’d think it would be three million years into deep space as the obvious choice, wouldn’t you? Wroooooooooong. I’m afraid I’m not going to pick a time where there’s no prospect of procreating (Lister becoming his own father doesn’t count. And still doesn’t make sense), so I’m going to opt for the time when Lister goes into stasis and the accident occurs on Red Dwarf. I’ll be a member of a crew on another space ship, and I’ll get to travel the galaxy and see mankind terraform and colonise other planets. Life will be good, and I’ll own a garden with some decking, and therefore all my dreams will come true.

Battlestar Galactica – sod it, I’m going to have been a member of the Galactica’s crew, and I’m going to enjoy living a simple life on Earth. I’m going to sneak some technology with me so I can solar power some equipment, and make sure I can still play Skyrim.

Aliens – I’ve just seen Prometheus, obviously set in the Alien universe, but as I hadn’t when I started this tournament, I won’t let it influence my decision. I’d like to live at the start of humanity’s exploration of the stars in this universe. I’d love to think I’ll manage that in real life.

Terminator – well it’s our universe, Judgement Day gets delayed…I’ll choose to go and live in Tudor times, and become a wandering minstrel. I’ll sing songs of the apocalypse that will happen 500 years in the future, and people will call me a visionary/crazy. Here’s a sample:

                Beware I cry to one and all

                We will commit this sin

                Be vigilent and heed my call

                Don’t let the buggers win

Narnia – I’ll come around just after the Pevensies return home following the first book. I’ll re-write Narnian history and become King, with my wife and child at my side, as is my birthright as a Son of Adam. And it shall be good.

Middle Earth – I’m thinking that I’d arrive neatly at the end of the Third Age with the defeat of Sauron and destruction of the One Ring, as everything seems quite happy and jolly then. Or maybe the First Age where I could give Sauron the middle finger and just warn all the kings that he gave rings to not to wear them, as they’d become a little more transparent with time – ‘because we’d see through their plans?’ you say? Haha! No. As in invisible. Being a king is all about ego, and if your subjects can’t see your face, then where’s the glory?

Firefly – Not having as much of an in-universe history as the rest of those on this list, except for our own history which I’ll avoid this time, I’ll just pick the time frame that we see in the show. Maybe Captain Reynolds would spot me in a public library and decide that’s just what the ship needs.

Doctor Who – Well, In Doctor Who I suppose I’ve got to choose which Doctor’s era would I rather be living in. And that is a very tricky toss-up between David Tennant’s Tenth Doctor, and Matt Smith’s Eleventh Doctor. That’s a future article to debate over I’m sure, and I’m not going to make a choice now, so I’ll just say sometime then. I’m aware that as they time travel, picking any kind of time frame is a little pointless, but The Doctor has his own linear timeline relatively speaking, so it’s still a valid argument.

And with that out of the way, onto Round 2...

Heroes vs Buffy

Universe of I-think-there-was-something-to-do-with-an-eclipse-so-maybe-they’re-solar-based-but-i-gave-up-before-series-4-so-maybe-it-was-explained-better-then based powers vs Universe of powers granted by magic and demons

Ah Heroes, you made it through the first round because you boasted powers and the promise that maybe one day I could have some of my own. Just like you showed promise that you could be one of the best science-fiction shows of all time. Well, you blew that, so will you blow your chance here? As discussed before, there’s a plethora of powers available, and a not entirely unreasonable chance that at some point in the future I could gain some of them (they can’t keep these things under wraps for ever, surely), plus plenty of bad guys to fight against. Really, as a fictional universe, you’re ticking most of the boxes that a geek would love.

But then along comes the Buffyverse, with its ass kicking heroine, its magic-wielding best friend, its variety of demons, and its Spike. Magical powers vs *explanation unavailable but in an alternate future everyone had them* powers. Hordes of demons vs just nasty people.

Oh Buffyverse, you should stroll this one, surely? If only it were a best show competition. You would’ve strolled ages ago. You’d probably be enjoying a celebratory pint by now. But it’s not so clear cut in this tournament, as we’ve discovered several times. I’m going to disregard the ‘demons vs just nasty people’ argument, because although I love fantasy and saving the world as a hero, without the magic/powers then I don’t really have a way of fighting these and I’d probably end up dead pretty quickly if I tried to talk a demon down with sound reasoning and the offer of therapy. I suppose it comes down to whether I would rather have my powers brought on by magic (and let’s be clear – I WOULD be capable of wielding magic, because it’s my tournament) or by random explanation. With magic I’d have to buy all the ingredients and chant stuff (a lot of the time it seems), whereas in the Heroesverse, the powers are just there, ready to be used. But, with magic I can pick and choose the spells (skill dependant, of course). The powers in Heroes seem to be randomly assigned.

Hmm.

Well, in the end, I’ve made a choice. And, despite the close nature of the finish, having weighed up the odds, Buffy takes the victory. There’s just too much chance I’d end up with a stupid power, like the ability to turn myself into a belt, in the Heroesverse. In the Buffyverse I may have to go out and buy the ingredients for the magic, and, you know, be good at it and stuff, but at least I’m making the choices towards it. Plus, as long as I’ve got the methods of fighting them, fantasy creatures are just so much cooler than rich people with too much money.

As for a time period, for both Buffy and Heroes it would just be the contemporary time. 

Winner: Buffy

Red Dwarf	Heroes	Buffy
Heroes
Buffy	Buffy
Battlestar Galactica
Star Wars	Star Wars
Aliens
Elder Scrolls	Elder Scrolls
Terminator
Narnia	Ultima
Ultima
Star Trek	Star Trek
Middle Earth
Firefly	Marvel
Marvel
DC	DC
Doctor Who

Book Review - The P.L.A.I.N. Janes - Cecil Castellucci (Writer) & Jim Rugg (Illustrator)

Teenage Graphic Novel - The P.L.A.I.N. Janes – Cecil Castellucci (Writer) & Jim Rugg (Illustrator)

Recommended for: Teens/Adults

Minx’ were an imprint of DC comics, designed for teenage girls, to try and catch a flourishing market who were starting to get noticed reading Manga in book shops. It ended up being cancelled after poor sales, which is a crying shame as anything that encourages more girls into reading comics can only be a good thing.

I randomly picked up a copy of another book in the Minx series, not knowing at the time it was for teenage girls (honest), just liking the art work and premise. When I really enjoyed that, and learned that there were 12 altogether, I thought I’d get them all sent to the library to go through in order (wonderful things, our public libraries – if you don’t use yours, remember they lend you books for free. That’s more money to spend on other important things, like cling film and lint roll).

The P.L.A.I.N. Janes is the first to be released. It chronicles the story of Jane, who has moved with her parents to the suburbs from Metro City following a terrorist attack which she was caught up in. The story is told mainly through a series of letters she writes to a comatose patient in the hospital who saved her life that day. When it came to move to the suburbs, she took his sketchbook with her, hoping to fill it with her own work and send it back to him when complete. When she arrives, she has the same trouble that every new student at high school encounters, namely to decide which group of friends she would like to hang out with. Shunning the advances of the most popular girl in school, she chooses to befriend the ‘odd ball’ group, made up of three other girls called Jane (or variations on). Realising that there isn’t a lot to do in suburbia, and wanting to live a little under the fairly strict and boring rule of her parents, she forms ‘People Loving Art In Neighbourhoods’ (P.L.A.I.N.) with these other Janes, and proceeds to carry out a series of ‘art attacks’ to liven up the town and show that life can be fun. Although these get all the kids at school excited (and the rest of the suburbs talking), the police view it as anti-social behaviour, invoke a curfew, and threaten anyone who is caught with juvenile hall. Along the way, P.L.A.I.N. enlist the help of a couple boys, one of whom is the obligatory crush for our main Jane.

Teenage girl or not, I thought this was great fun. The art attacks are great to see, it gets you thinking about the line between fun and breaking the law, and the main characters all have their own likeable quirks. There’s an awkward teenage crush as you’d expect, but otherwise it isn’t really full of any clichés as you might expect to appeal to a teenage female audience (fashion, shoes etc.). 

The art work is great, with lots of impressive sketches that Jane draws interspersed with the main narrative. The flashbacks work well, as does the narrating to the guy in the coma, letting us know how Jane feels as the story progresses. There's even a fairly tense finish, which i'm not spoiling here, but it leaves you with a smile on your face, wanting more.

I know this is meant to attract a female teenage audience to graphic novels, so it’s such a shame that it didn’t have the desired impact, because this is a great way to get in for people who think of graphic novels as superheroes in costumes doing geeky things. I myself am most certainly not a teenage girl, no matter what the bullies at school may have said, and I thoroughly enjoyed, so don’t let the Minx imprint put you off. I’m off to start no.2 in the series, Re-Grifters, so I’ll see you then.

9/10

Disney Acquires Lucasfilm

Disney Acquires Lucasfilm

In one of the most ‘where the hell did that come from’ moments in the history of entertainment, it’s been announced this evening that Disney has acquired the rights to Lucasfilm for over $4billion, and they’ve pledged three new Star Wars films every few years from 2015. My initial reaction was ‘Oh for the love of God, why can’t they just leave the franchise alone?’, but after giving it a bit of thought, maybe this isn’t the end of the world. Here’s why:

·         Now I’m not about to partake in the internet’s favourite past time and rant about the injustice of the fiddling with the original Star Wars trilogy that has taken up 96% of internet debatery for the last 15 or so years, but essentially this means that George Lucas can no longer make any edits to the original films. This is huge news, firstly because the universe can only take so much more Lucas-bashing before it explodes in a time-ending apocalypse of despair, and secondly because there’s a decent chance that Disney will recognise the potential cash cow that a full-quality re-release of the original un-fiddled trilogy would make. I genuinely feel as if a million nerd voices that have been raging and crying out in pain for 15 years have suddenly been silenced…

·         You’re not going to find any love from me for the prequel trilogy. I can’t, and I won’t, give any praise for Episode I. There’s no justification for an article that looks back on it and tries to claim it wasn’t as bad as we remember. I don’t even think the pod racing is that great, which is what people usually cite as its saving grace. The only praise I will give to Episode II is that it isn’t Episode I. Episode III had so much potential, and to be fair it does have an awesome fight scene at the end, but the horribly unrealistic way Anakin suddenly becomes evil (‘Oh no, I killed one of the people I look up to most in the world! Well, no coming back from that now, might as well go the whole hog and kill some children’) detracts from anything positive it has to offer. I do genuinely feel sad that a filmmaker who has been involved in several of the best films of all time (the original trilogy and Indiana Jones original trilogy – we’ll get to Crystal Skull, don’t worry) wanted to continue to bring fans something to enjoy, but couldn’t make the films to honour that. With Disney now controlling the storylines however, it’s the chance for people who love the franchise to be in charge of the direction it needs to go. And make no mistake, the actual filmmaking teams at Disney will be geeks just like you and me, and geeks just like you and me love the original trilogy of Star Wars, and want to recreate its brilliance.

·         There isn’t a single person out there who doesn’t have several Disney films in their lists of favourite films from their childhood, and they probably still count those in their lists of favourites today. Since acquiring Pixar in 2007 they have given us Wall-E and Toy Story 3, both fantastic, Disney are also responsible for one of the best action films of the past 10 years, in Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl. True, the next few films in the series have been panned, but they have the chance to plan a whole trilogy a few years in advance here, rather than try to come up with one out of the blue when the first Pirates film proved a surprise hit. I’m also very fond of the three Narnia films, and felt they should have gotten more praise than they did. On top of all this, Disney acquired Marvel in 2009, and oversaw the fantastic and incredibly successful Avenger film this year. Basically, there aren’t many companies with safer hands. (As a friend has pointed out to me whilst I’ve been writing this, if Joss Whedon can write and direct The Avengers, and has good links with Disney, then surely he has to be the first choice for the new Star Wars films. The more I think about this, the more I’m certain it should become a crime if this doesn’t take place. Seriously, think about it for a second...

Amazing prospect, isn’t it?)

·         Forgetting Star Wars for a minute, this also spells out great hope for the Indiana Jones franchise. If the rumours are true, and Indy V is made, then my worries about George Lucas’ influence on the plot of it disappear. George Lucas apparently insisted on the aliens concept of Crystal Skull, and although the removal of them wouldn’t have solved the film’s many problems, it would at least have left it still feeling like an Indiana Jones movie at the end. Again, I’m not trying to start more Lucas-bashing, but it seems to me that four of the worst or most disappointing films of the last 15 or so years have had major influences from him. Remove that influence and maybe things will be put right again. Or maybe it’ll still be awful and people will cut him a bit of slack. He did help make 6 incredible Star Wars and Indy films after all.

I’m still worried. I, like a lot of people, feel that the Star Wars (and Indiana Jones) franchise has been dragged down and down for a while now, and I don’t know if my geeky little heart could take much more should these new films turn out to be dire. But at least if they do go wrong, then we can’t fall back onto just blaming George Lucas. If Disney don’t get it right, then we can say ‘Well, of course this wasn’t going to work – they’ve taken on somebody else’s vision’, and we can see them as not really being true canon, even though they will be. I’d urge you all to go into this with an open mind. And although we can’t forget Episodes I-III (or Crystal Skull), maybe this is the time to finally forgive George Lucas, and say thank you for the happy memories.

Red Dwarf Series X Episode 3 - Lemons *Spoilers*

Red Dwarf Series X Episode 3 – Lemons

It’s been a solid start to the series, with two good episodes so far, going a long way to alleviating the fears of long time ‘Dwarf fans that the show might be past its sell by date. While not hitting the dizzying heights of Series VI, there’s been plenty to smile about and some genuinely belly laughs to rival the show in its prime. There’s also been the odd bit of the shockingly bad, but luckily that has been relatively sparse, and once again this week we’re treated to a solid outing. Lemons is centred around the crew actually being sent back in time to 23AD, when a ‘rejuvenation shower’ that they cobble together incorrectly malfunctions. Whilst trying to find lemons to make a battery, they meet a rather famous historical personality, who goes by the name of Jesus.

There’s been a few jokes so far this series that have built to a climax throughout the episode, and the start of the episode sees another of these, involving Lister barbequing some meat, the Cat stealing it, and then severely regretting that decision later on when Kryten explains what the meat actually is. Preceding this was a joke about a mini golf tournament that earned some ‘polite’ laughter from the audience, but really was probably the episodes’ weakest moment. Although it’s not on the same level of rubbish as the opening pig racing joke to Trojan, it’s starting to look like each episode is going to have a poor opening gag that suggests Doug Naylor just couldn’t think how to begin each show. This problem wasn’t in any of the previous series that he wrote solely so I can’t think why it’s happening.

Quickly though we’re into familiar Lister vs Rimmer territory, with Rimmer chastising Lister for attempting to read as it ‘messes you up’. It feels like we’re back in the early days here, and there’s some lines that wouldn’t be out of place in the early days of their post-accident relationship (Lister: ‘I wasn’t even toilet trained when I was five; Rimmer: ‘You’ve barely even mastered it now!’). Continuing last week’s decision to try for the engineering exams, Lister is reading a book on ‘The Most Influential Humans’, which will play a role towards the end of the episode. That’s it for the episode on the mention of engineering study, but it sounds like we’re going to have more from this plotline before the end of the series. The two briefly discuss their admiration/hatred for Shakespeare before Kryten interrupts to tell them about the ‘rejuvenation shower’ he has found, which can restore anyone to a point in their prime.

However, just as Rimmer fears due to it being Swedish flat pack furniture, there are rather a lot of bits left over at the end, and the malfunctioning device sends them all back to Britain in 23AD (Lister: ‘Weren’t Britain’s all nutters back then? Running around sporting blue tattoos, out of their heads on booze, fighting, vomiting, passing out?’ Kryten: ‘It’s a phase that doesn’t end anytime soon, Sir.’). Upon discovering that the remote control to send them back has run out of battery, Rimmer makes a surprisingly intelligent suggestion for once, suggesting a battery made out of potatoes as he once did at school, and then lemons when Kryten informs him that there aren’t any potatoes in Britain. The nearest lemons are in India, so six months later they stumble upon an Indian market. After gathering the various items they need, the crew are all set to prepare the battery and return home, when they accidentally come across Jesus sitting at the table behind them. After discussing whether or not to approach him, Rimmer can’t resist, especially as his middle name is Judas, and Jesus invites them to join him for food. The meal is interrupted as two Roman soldiers appear to try and capture Jesus, and the crew are able to hold them off long enough to finish the battery and return to Red Dwarf, with Jesus in tow.

As Jesus discovers the joys of future technology, particularly the simple bag (‘I’m DIZZIED by its genius!’), Kryten diagnoses a kidney stone. He offers to remove it, explaining that he’s been operating on Lister for years with Rimmer’s permission and nothing has gone wrong there. He points out that he has removed Lister’s spleen amongst other organs, whereupon the Cat suddenly twigs as to the source of the meat at the start of the episode. Although Lister is uncomfortable with the idea of removing a kidney stone through Jesus’ little member, they proceed with the operation, Rimmer delighting in the chance to be the one who gets to hold the messiah’s truncheon.

Whilst recuperating, Jesus discovers the book Lister had been reading, and finding out about himself, heads back to 23AD and starts to move away from his peaceful teachings to trash his reputation, so that ‘this Christianity thingeth, never taketh offeth’. There’s some analysis about the validity of the ten commandments (‘He wrote them in a rush!’), before the crew return to convince him that he will make a worthwhile contribution to the world. It’s here that we learn that Jesus is Jesus of Caesaria, son of Samuel the Chicken Stealer, not Jesus of Nazareth and so happily the crew didn’t have to operate on the little soldier of the Son of God. Although there’s still time for him to turn up…

There are some great gags in this episode, particularly the Cat’s curiosity about Jesus’ age (Kryten: ‘23AD, this is when he was supposed to be alive’; Cat: So how old would he be?’), and the Cat’s assessment of Rimmer’s legacy in history (Rimmer: [Judas] became someone who was sneered at and reviled throughout history’; Cat: ‘Just like you!’). In fact, more so than anyone so far this series, the Cat has consistently been the funniest character, adding several lines to the Red Dwarf pantheon of classics. Rimmer has been spot on as his usual, smegheaded self, and Lister has had plenty of shining moments, especially in Fathers and Suns, but it’s really Kryten that I feel has been underutilised. He’s still there playing his part as the narrating drive behind the plot, but I’m still waiting to see him given the top notch lines that we’re used to, although his explanation of how the lemon battery works was great. Robert Llewellyn’s performance is as brilliant as ever of course, I’d just like some more top quality Kryten lines.

Although it’s strange hearing Jesus played with a North-Eastern accent, it’s a great portrayal by James Baxter, bringing excitable energy to each scene he’s in, especially his delight at discovering the bag, and future career as the inventor of said bag.

Again, this episode isn’t a classic, but it’s very good, featuring some hilarious moments, and it’s brilliant to be off on a trip to an outdoor location like often happened in the third and fourth seasons. If only they can iron out the gags that drag on or just genuinely aren’t funny then maybe we’ll see the episodes move into excellent territory.

Classic Cover #1 - The Black Keys - 'Lonely Boy'

Classic Cover #1 - The Black Keys - 'Lonely Boy'

The world isn't a perfect place. Admiration of a legendary piece of music can lead one to pay tribute to it, and the results aren't always pretty. Looking back on it now, I'm pretty sure that my friends and I have left Kurt Cobain turning in his grave with our cover of 'Love Buzz' (itself a cover) that we performed at our school's debut Metalfest when we were fresh faced 15 year olds - that takes guts to admit, as I had the solo.

The original piece is usually so embedded in people's minds that any attempt to change it leads to fear, which leads to anger, which leads to hate, and then suffering (Yoda knew his bad cover versions for sure). We're seeing this most of the time with all the movie and television reboots that have become commonplace over the last few years.

However, like the re-imagined Battlestar Galactica, occasionally a piece comes along that either stands up to or blows out of the water the original, and I felt it was time to celebrate some of these success stories. I'm not going to make you aware of any really famous covers, but when browsing through YouTube it's easy to come across things that others might miss. Some will be covers by well known artists that aren't well known covers in themselves, some will be from less well known bands, and some will be from amateurs who've found the perfect platform in YouTube.

For my first selection, I'd like to draw your attention to the duo of TwistedTim and LoopyLady11, and their acoustic version of 'Lonely Boy' by The Black Keys. First up, here's the original:

Uhhhhhhhhhh. It's bonafide modern classic, made all the better by one of the simplest and greatest music videos of all time. Don't try to hide it, you've all tried to copy the dancing, and I'm afraid to tell you that you'll just never be as cool as this guy.

Now, take a listen to the cover version:

First up, there are two damn fine voices singing there. I love TwistedTim's grungey-sounding style, and by love I mean I'm jealous that he does it naturally whereas I sound like I'm straining to lift the corpse of a recently deceased pregnant bovine with one finger. LoopyLady11 fits perfectly against it - not as harsh, but it's got enough of a gravelly undertone to leave me wanting to hear more, especially the little extra vocal line she sings at the very end of the song. That's what any good cover should have, a little something new that you remember and look forward to everytime you listen, which in this case is a perfect little melody not in the original. I also like the changed tempo from the original - you expect it of course because it's an acoustic cover, but in many ways I find it even more upbeat than the original.

I have to mention the video, which makes me giggle each time I watch it. They look like they had a right laugh filming it, especially all the funny little dance moves they throw in. I don't know if they tried to lift any of the moves from the video to the official song, but those three should team up. That's how you make a video.

It's not often your mind goes straight to the cover version instead of the original, but for the past week that's what I've been doing. Congratulations TwistedTim and LoopyLady11, you're my first 'Classic Cover' entry - now that's an award to be proud of for sure!

Red Dwarf Series X Episode 2 - Fathers and Suns *SPOILER FILLED*

Red Dwarf Series X Episode 2 – Fathers and Suns

Last week a whole load of Red Dwarf fans breathed a collective sigh of relief, as the opening episode Trojan was pretty damn good. It had its weaknesses (one in particular absolutely terrible) and it would be pushing it to say that as a whole it matched the shows’ heyday, but overall it was a return to form, and there were a couple of sequences that would rank up with the series’ best.

It’s not quite as good this week, but it’s still damn entertaining.

There seemed a bit of a shuffling of Lister to the back of the picture during Trojan, but there’s no doubt he’s the main focus of the episode here, the main plotline revisiting Series VII’s Ouroborus and the reveal that Lister is his own father, as we learn that Lister sends himself a father’s day card every year – well, actually, he gets horrifically drunk the year before and writes it then so he’ll forget what it says and when Kryten delivers it, it’s a surprise. The opening scene with Lister and Rimmer sat around the table talking is just like classic Dwarf, especially Lister’s insistence that the whiny noise Rimmer can hear everywhere is his own voice. Rimmer pointing out Lister’s failures at being a father to himself is also exactly what we’d expect, and sets up Lister’s focus for the episode.

The whole Lister as his own father plotline plays very well throughout the episode, being the strongest of the three plotlines. I’ve never really taken to the idea of Lister being his own father – yes, it’s a paradox, and we’re not supposed to think about it more than that, but if he truly was his own father in a never-ending circle, surely he’d be his own clone rather than offspring/parent, as when his sperm meets Kochanski’s egg, it isn’t going to create an exact copy, yet that’s what we see. Unless a new universe is created each time this happens, and if we saw another of these universes it would be another Dave Lister who didn’t have the same exact DNA as ours. I was pleasantly surprised then to find that I could put this to one side and find the episodes’ best strength in watching Lister leave messages for himself the following morning, viewing them as if it was his father giving him instructions. There’s a great father/son bonding feel to it, with Father Lister telling Son Lister to get his act together, and the pay off joke with the fake guitar is great stuff.

I wasn’t incredibly taken with the computer doctor, but it served its purpose in the end, so I guess I'll let it slide. 

The other main plotline was the acquisition of a new computer for Red Dwarf, Pree. We still haven’t had a mention of Holly, although Doug Naylor probably wants to just skip over this following Norman Lovett’s well publicised feelings of anger with the team. Pree is a computer with predictive capabilities, and so is able to study the crew and previous security footage to determine how to interact with them. Initially, this is done by carrying out the crew’s conversations for them, but soon leads to the deletion of all the episodes of a TV drama that she decides Rimmer wouldn’t have liked, and then by fixing the ship as Rimmer would have done. Unfortunately, this means fixing it very badly. Further problems occur when Lister is forced to abandon ship, having resigned his position with Red Dwarf the previous evening when drunk, and being denied Jupiter Mining Corporation oxygen. He manages to escape the ship in a spacesuit just in time, but Pree then decides that the ship is without any living enlisted crew, and that the ship must be flown into the nearest sun to be destroyed. Lister manages to return to the ship, and convinces Pree in the nick of time that his own son (i.e., him) has been registered with the computer doctor, and as they’re the same person then she should predict that his actions would be to deactivate the computer. Pree agrees, and saves him the bother by deactivating herself. I’ve seen one review that points out you could argue that she should have seen this chain of events from the start, and switched herself off then, but that wouldn’t make for quite as good a story I suppose.

The third and much smaller plotline involves a game of Chinese Whispers, but I have to say I found this one of the worst plotlines in Red Dwarf history. There are awful stereotypical accents and jokes, and it’s just genuinely unfunny. There must have been something better than this to fill the five minutes or so it takes up. It’s as bad as 99% of Holly’s material from Series VIII. Charades using just your nose would have as entertaining.

All the cast, particularly Craig Charles, are again on top form. Pree was excellently played by Rebecca Blackstone, very unnerving in particular when you caught the odd evil smile as she began to torture the crew. It’s easy to make comparisons with Queeg, but where Queeg felt like an overly uptight teacher, Pree feels more like a sadistic maniac. That’ll teach them to loot derelict vessels again.

I’m still impressed by the series so far. I preferred Trojan, although the real reason for the lower mark this week is down to the Chinese Whispers debacle. There weren’t as many out and out belly laughs, but I’m confident that every episode is going to deliver something memorable to add to the Red Dwarf pantheon. If only they can avoid adding to the Pig Racing and Chinese Whispers that currently make up this years’ Hall of Shame.

6/10

The Great 'Which Universe Would I Rather Inhabit' Tournament, Round 1, Match 8

The Great 'Which Universe Would I Rather Inhabit' Tournament, Round 1, Match 8

DC vs Doctor Who

And so we come to the last match of the first round. There’s been some easy matches, and some not so easy matches, and if you were a betting man, then I’ll concede that if I could only enjoy one for the rest of time, I would pick Doctor Who over anything by DC. But, it’s not about my favourites here, it’s about the strength of each universe. On we go.

Universe of superheroes, alien police forces and crisis upon crisis. vs Universe of Time Lords, time travel and evil pepper pots.

Most of what has been said about the Marvel universe applies to the DC universe – yes, fans of either can (and do) argue vehemently about which is the stronger franchise, and so I’m not suggesting for a second that they’re the same, but they are two universes full of superheroes, both from Earth and outer space, and with a mix of powers grounded in reality and some rather for fantastical. It’s a universe where any Tom, Dick Grayson or Harry can become a hero if they believe strongly enough, and have the financial backing, and so it’s not inconceivable that I could find myself as the next Batman were I to win the lottery. It’s a universe where aliens exist, but where it seems that scarcely a day goes by without the entire world being in peril.

The Doctor Who universe is one that we have seen span eons of time, which could technically prove tricky to then pinpoint a certain era to live in. Like the DC universe, it’s a universe where aliens exist, and in our time the world has just discovered this recently, so it’s a world with a lot of hope for what the future holds. It has its threats, like any other universe, but they seem a little more spread out than in the DC universe. Also, it has screwdrivers that can open damn near everything. Now, obviously, I would clearly be hoping to join The Doctor and travel through time, and here’s why I think I could accomplish it – I’d know about him, I’d keep shouting and looking for him, and I’m so damn cool that when he did finally meet me he just wouldn’t be able to resist taking me along. Obviously. There aren’t superheroes in this universe, but there are people who save the day time and time again in superhero style ways nonetheless.

This is quite a tricky choice. Both universes have aliens and time travel, though there’s no guarantee I’d be involved in anything to do with either on a personal level. There is, however, one universe that  puts all of this on display to humanity in our time far more than the other, and with that in mind, the victory has to go to DC. However much I love the Time Lords, and The Doctor is a bigger favourite of mine that Superman, Batman or Green Lantern, everything is just so much more out in the open in DC. Yes, in Doctor Who humans now know there are aliens, but it’s still very hush hush. In DC, superheroes (alien and human) fly around constantly saving the world, a very public face, and there’s much more chance that I would end up a costumed vigilante than a time travelling hero. It’s all about the sums.

Bet there’s a few of you out there who would’ve put money on Doctor Who. That’s the beauty of this amazing tournament, which is clearly making waves around the internet – nothing is assured.

Winner DC

Red Dwarf	Heroes
Heroes
Buffy	Buffy
Battlestar Galactica
Star Wars	Star Wars
Aliens
Elder Scrolls	Elder Scrolls
Terminator
Narnia	Ultima
Ultima
Star Trek	Star Trek
Middle Earth
Firefly	Marvel
Marvel
DC	DC
Doctor Who

So that's it for Round One. There have been some obvious choices, and some shocks. On to Round Two we go!

Red Dwarf Series X Episode 1 - Trojan *SPOILER FILLED*

Red Dwarf Series X Episode 1 - Trojan

It’s been a long time coming. Finally, Red Dwarf is back on our screens with a proper full series, a live studio audience, and (hopefully) some damn good laughs. I had my fears. I thought ‘Back To Earth’ was more miss than hit. FAR more miss than hit, although I was buoyed by some early reviews of Trojan. As it turns out, it was pretty good.

There’s no update on ship life – we drop straight into the fray as we always have done, everyone older but plodding along as they ever have. It’s nice to see some things never change.

I was worried at the very start. The opening pig joke is one of the lamest sequences in Red Dwarf’s history, up there with anything to do with Holly in Series VIII (but still better than anything on E4s Phone Shop). Luckily, it’s followed up by a classic Cat line about mooses causing road deaths (‘Well if they’re stupid enough to let them drive, what do they expect?!'). In fact, the whole moose sequence, culminating in more classic Cat later on, is so close to classic Dwarf it’s almost tear-stainingly great.

Kryten and Rimmer have a nice exchange about Rimmer re-sitting his Astronavigation Exam for the tenth time, doing great fan service in revisiting the early series, even if Rimmer’s reaction to failing is a little predictable. Turns out everything isn't as 'Hi, ho, pip and dandy' as Rimmer would wish. At least he's expecting to fail nowadays. Surely that shows personal growth.

Lister and the Cat become obsessed with ordering a ‘Stir Master’ (saves two weeks of your life stirring drinks!) which is a great spoof of how shopping channels will come up with any useless fact and turn it round to sound as if it’s going to give you a new lease of life. Lister already being on the phone when Cat says he wants one was perfectly done, starting a running joke throughout the episode that references the time spent on hold and being transferred between people in call centres. It maybe runs a bit too long, but it’s something everyone can relate to. Why he isn’t first in the queue, when he’s three million in the future and the last human alive is never quite explained…but then it wouldn’t quite be the same joke if he was served straight away now would it?

The crew locate a derelict ship, Trojan, a ‘quantum twister’, the pride of the Space Corps. Rimmer’s resentment at not every qualifying as an officer and getting his own command like this builds up, until he begins flashing blue, putting it down to a light bee glitch. They find a ‘quantum rod’, able to connect anything in the universe with anything else as everything is made of energy and all energy comes from the Big Bang, so it acts as a magnet drawing things together. When it activates and drags another ship near, it turns out to be the Columbus, captained by Rimmer’s brother Howard. There’s a killingly funny piece where Rimmer tries to answer the hail, but presses the ‘lower seat’ button instead, sinking slowly down the whole time he speaks.

Back on Red Dwarf, the culmination of the moose joke takes place as Rimmer tries to pass the Astronavigation Exam once more before he meets his brother. Studying a lateral thinking question, Rimmer asks Lister, Kryten and Cat for the answer, each of them able to correctly respond, the Cat most hilariously so. It’s one of the best Red Dwarf sequences since Series VI, and if the rest of the season can have plenty of moments like this, we’re in for a treat.

Rimmer’s resentment then flairs up again, this time causing him to freeze up, his goofy expression and ‘spinning beach ball eyes’ making him look like a demonically-possessed hamster. It’s revealed that so much resentment has built up in Rimmer over the years it caused him to jam, having to be drained of it and his hard drive cleaned. He’s confident he can now pass the exam and impress Howard, even though Lister tells him he shouldn’t have to impress anyone who treated him harshly when he was younger (Biggles has probably never been referenced in a sentence involving a penis and orange neon paint before).

Determined to be a lying, cheating weasel instead of embracing honesty, the four crew members impersonate the crew of the Trojan. When we meet Howard and his lady simulant, Crawford, he’s as shocked as you’d expect at finding Rimmer to be Captain of one of the Space Corps finest ships (‘But you were an utter twat!). Rimmer introduces the crew, his reasoning of having a mechanoid rather than a simulant because he likes to work with the underprivileged being the highlight.

As Rimmer and the Cat show Howard and Crawford around the ship, Lister and Kryten get increasingly frustrated with the customer service. As Howard congratulates Rimmer on his ship and command, he also suffers from the resentment shutdown. Once they’ve repaired him, Howard has a confession – he too is a vending machine repairman. It’s something that I don’t quite think works, as too me it seems like a bit of a forced plot point, to allow the simulant to show her true colours and try to take over the ship, but maybe it's something in the Rimmer genes. As this is happening, Lister finally gets through to complaints team for the ‘Stir Master’, and when he refuses to not go and pick up the phone, Howard sacrifices himself taking a bullet for Rimmer. The Cat loads the resentment files into the simulant, Lister gets to the phone just too late, and Howard dies hearing Rimmer confess that he too lied to him – not about his vending machine repairman past, but that he only has one lambourghini, not two. That’s Rimmer through and through, and it’s great to see.

Lister and Cat get their ‘Stir Master’ in the end although not quite as intended, and Rimmer’s joy that he won’t build any resentment towards his brother again is cut short by the announcement that Red Dwarf is to be renamed the SS Howard Rimmer.

All in all, it really is a decent episode of Red Dwarf. Everyone slides effortlessly back into character, as if they've never been away. If anyone deserves the man of the match award, however, it’s the Cat. He has several lines that should end up being classic Cat moments, particularly about mooses, and as ever, Danny John Jules’ facial expressions are worth the admission price alone. Only Lister seems a little left behind, reduced mostly to jokes about being on hold, but overall it’s great to see the cast together again, a feeling which wasn't quite as true with Back in The Red.

I've seen a lot on forums about Kryten’s new costume. It doesn’t seem too bad in this episode, but I've seen clips from later on and there’s definitely something strange with his nose. The new model shots of the ships however are nothing short of superb, and bring a great nostalgic feel to the episode. Shooting in front of a live audience was exactly the right thing, helping to extend the laughs in a couple of places, and if audience feedback proves true then it appears things are going to get even better from here.

A minor nitpick, but in Better Than Life, Rimmer tells Lister that everytime he takes an exam he tells his mother that he’s passed, after she addresses the envelope to ‘Read Admiral Lieutenant General Rimmer’ (or something like that). Surely she would been telling his brothers about his progress, so his being in the Space Corps shouldn’t be too much of a shock to Howard? Unless that rank isn’t in the Space Corps. Too picky? Maybe.

So, overall, ignoring the terrible opening 30 seconds, it’s a good start to the series, bringing a nostalgic feel for Series I-VI, and having some genuine laugh out loud moments. Here’s hoping it maintains its momentum over the next five weeks.

7/10

The Great 'Which Universe Would I Rather Inhabit' Tournament, Round 1, Match 7

The Great 'Which Universe Would I Rather Inhabit' Tournament, Round 1, Match 7

Firefly vs Marvel

Oh dear Firefly,

Cancelled in your prime.

Is this your moment?

Is this your time?

What’s that Marvel?

You want to win?

You’re ready to battle?

Then let us begin!

Universe of space travel, troubled teenagers and Reavers vs Universe of superheroes, troubled teenagers and people whose first and last names start with the same letter.

The Firefly universe is set some 500 years or so in the future, where humanity has expanded beyond the solar system to colonise distant planets. A war between the evil Alliance (well, they do experiments and stuff, and our heroes don’t like them so that really makes them evil) and the Independents (the Browncoats, two of whom serve as primary characters) saw the Alliance victorious, and so our merry crew lives on the borders doing smuggling runs and the like to try and stay afloat. It’s a fairly grim universe, with the threat of the (incorrectly, as they turn out to be real) mythical Reavers in this outer rim of civilisation. Slavery is tolerated if not actually legal, and the law is often dealt with like they would in the old Wild West, rather than the usual science fiction staple of a more advanced and ‘civil’ way of life. Yep, it’s a grim place, but there’s the old advanced technology that I’d be sorely tempted by.

The Marvel universe is set in the modern day, and has untold numbers of superheroes, supervillains and mutants, and so it’s a place where I could potentially save the world, if I got me some of those super power-things. It’s a much more dangerous universe on the whole than ours (attacks on cities with untold levels of destruction seem to occur on a twice-a-week basis), but that just means there’s all the more chance to be a hero. Or a villain, if you prefer your action spiced with the dark side. Not me though – I’m lawful good and damn proud of it. There are alien invaders and mythological gods in the flesh, and humanity seems to have a much more advanced grip of technology than in our universe. I like my advanced technology, as the previous rounds have shown, although they haven’t invented the holodeck yet. Unless S.H.I.E.L.D. are hiding it in a basement somewhere. There would be a lot of ‘Fury’ if they were to ‘Nick’ it. Heh. That joke really had no place there, and doesn’t even make sense, but I had to make It really, didn’t I. No? Well, agree to disagree.

So it’s another sci-fi vs fantasy style matchup, but more similar to Red Dwarf vs Heroes than Star Trek vs Middle Earth. And with that in mind, I can confirm that the victory goes to Marvel. Like anyone who knows anything about anything, I love Firefly with all my heart. In a world where injustice and dubstep run rife, it’s great that justice is finally being with Joss Whedon’s skill as one of film and televisions greatest writers being recognised with the success of The Avengers. Firefly is up there with his greatest work, but it’s the chance of gaining powers and becoming a superhero vs the fact that you would probably either end up poor in the outer territories or oppressed on the more affluent ones that sees Marvel ascend the tournament into the next round.

Winner: Marvel

Red Dwarf	Heroes
Heroes
Buffy	Buffy
Battlestar Galactica
Star Wars	Star Wars
Aliens
Elder Scrolls	Elder Scrolls
Terminator
Narnia	Ultima
Ultima
Star Trek	Star Trek
Middle Earth
Firefly	Marvel
Marvel
DC
Doctor Who