Top 10 - Red Dwarf Episodes

Top 10 Red Dwarf Episodes

Red Dwarf. One of cult comedies most revered sons, and unquestionably one of  the BBC's (and now Dave's) greatest comedy products alongside Alan Partridge, Fawlty Towers and Blackadder. 'What better way to spend your time than thinking back over your favourite episodes?' thought I to myself. 'Aside from mud-wrestling Brian Blessed,' myself responded to I, 'I can't think of any.' And so here we are. 

As usual, tell me what I've missed out and what ordered it should have been in.

10 Future Echoes
The second episode of Red Dwarf, and already we were treated to an intelligent science-fiction concept that would help to mark out the show as being far different from anything else around. It makes it on to this list for both this reason, and for being very funny in its own right. The most memorable moment is probably Lister's double conversation with Rimmer in the Drive Room, first talking to Rimmer from a few minutes in the future and being left utterly confused at Rimmer's reaction to his questions (the way Rimmer turns to face the opposite direction halfway through is a particuar highlight), and then his dialogue the second time leading to the answers from Rimmer that he gave first time round (it makes sense if you watch it!). We learn a bit of Dwarf-lore, with Lister's desire to have twin sons and name them Jim and Bexley (after his Zero-G Football idol, Jim-Bexley Speed), and there's a great bit of devilment from Holly in giving Rimmer a ridiculous haircut. The highlight of Series 1 for me. 

Best Gags:

Rimmer: (after Holly gives him a bee-hive hairdo) I like it like this. It makes me feel like a man!

Rimmer: (still talking about his haircut) You look how you are Lister, and I look (notices himself in the mirror finally) like a complete and total tit!

Lister: (walking out with a lead pipe) I'm going out like I came in - kicking and screaming.
Rimmer: You can't whack Death on the head!
Lister: If he comes near me I'm gonna' rip his nipples off!


9 Holoship
There's some classic Dwarf in here, as Rimmer temporarily joins the crew of the Holoship Enlightenment, comprising the greatest that the Space Corps has ever seen. Which explains why Rimmer only joins it temporarily. As the opening episode of Series V, this marks the beginning of the 'Series V/VI era' - I'm sure I'm not the only one who thinks that you can theme the Red Dwarf Series into I/II, III/IV and V/VI, and then see VII, VIII, Back to Earth, and X as each being separate again. Part of it is the look of the show and the set designs, and part is almost the style of story and jokes, although I can never nail down exactly what that style is, other than that I think it's there.

The crew of the Enlightenment is wonderfully obnoxious and snobby (Rimmer: Which is why, Captain, I feel I could really belong here; Number One: Are you serious?!). There's an obvious desire to give Rimmer's character another boost of development, as he learns to sacrifice his wants for someone he loves (and gets laid!), and throughout there are some absolutely classic gags that are up there with some of Dwarf's finest. I also have a fondness for this episode because of an outtake, that of course isn't technically part of the show - when Lister threatens one of the members of the Enlightenment with a holowhip, he eats the cigarette from the box he has been using as a pretend radio, which he acknowledges in the outtake with an 'I don't know why I ate that *bleep* cigarette!'. Classic stuff.

Best Gags:

Cat: What?  Am I the only sane one here?  Why don't we drop the defensive shields?
Kryten: A superlative suggestion, sir, with just two minor flaws.  One, we don't have any defensive shields, and two, we don't have any defensive shields. Now,  I realise that, technically speaking, that's only one flaw but I thought it was such a big one it was worth  mentioning twice.

Kryten: They've taken Mr. Rimmer! Sir, they've taken Mr. Rimmer!

Cat: Quick! Let's get out of here before they bring him back!

Number One: Commander Natalina Pushkin, IQ 201.
Number Two: Commander Randy Navaro, IQ 194.
Rimmer: Second technician Arnold Rimmer, IQ unknown.

Crane: You know ... we usually talk.
Rimmer: What do you talk about?
Crane: Oh, research, new theories, mission profiles.
Rimmer: I'm sorry.  I must have seemed very ignorant.  I hardly said anything apart from, "geronimo."

Kryten: Sir, I beg you to reconsider.  If not for your sanity, you haven't even considered the moral implications of your decision.  You will be joining a society where you will be compelled to have sex with
beautiful, brilliant women twice daily, on demand.  Now, am I really the only one here who finds that just a little bit tacky?  (Lister and Cat are speechless) Well, quite clearly I am!

8 Better Than Life
Another entry from the early years, Better Than Life is a great example of the show taking the concept of being three million years in the future and really looking at what that would mean for the crew, rather than just ignoring the human side of it. Rimmer discovers that the mail pod scheduled to arrive just before the accident three million years ago contained a letter from his mother, informing him of his father's death. It's the first time that Rimmer (or Lister really) have had it hammered home that everyone they know has died, and it affects Rimmer as if it's happened in the last couple of days. It's a fairly heavy thing to include in a sitcom set in space, and it leads to another piece of future technology that we'd all love to have - a computer game that gives you anything you want, and is completely immersive. From here, we see the Cat's desire to have a half fish, half human girlfriend (top half fish of course), Lister drinking fine wine (in a pint mug as ordered) and Rimmer's own psyche turning his every fantasy into a living nightmare. Man, he really is messed up. It's my favourite of the early Dwarf episodes, due to a mixture of looking deeper into the consequences of living three million years in the future, some excellent character development, and some great gags.

Best Gags:

Lister: Rimmer, real dumplings, proper dumplings when they're properly cooked to perfection, proper dumplings, should not bounce!

Lister: "I write to--" I can't read that.  Oh, "I write to inform." "I write to inform you that your father is dad." Well of course he is. Maybe it's your father stroke dad.
Rimmer: It's dead.
Lister: I can't make it out.  (Holds letter up and examines it.)
Rimmer: My father is dead.
Lister: What?
Rimmer: My father is DEAD!
Lister: Oh yeah it's an E!  (Happy to have solved it.) That's what it is! Your father's dead, Rimmer!

Lister: Shhhhh.  Not now, man.  Rimmer's dad's died.
Cat: I'd prefer chicken!

Newsreader: Archeologists near mount Sinai have discovered what is believed to be a missing page from the Bible.  The page is currently being carbon dated in Bonn.  If genuine it belongs at the beginning of the Bible and is believed to read "To my darling Candy.  All characters portrayed within this book are fictitious and any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental." The page has been universally condemned by church leaders.

7 Dimension Jump
The episode that brought us Ace Rimmer (when his wig seemed to fit) - what a guy! Another great staple of Science-Fiction (parallel dimensions) gets an airing here, as we see another version of Rimmer (a funny, charming, dreamy version) land in the main Red Dwarf universe. There are some wonderful initial scenes in Ace Rimmer's home universe, where we see the crew we know so well in different roles - Lister is a Space Corps mechanic named Spanners, the Cat is a priest, Robert Llewellyn plays a high-up Space Corps officer named Bongo, and Hattie Hayridge plays Bongo's secretary Millie. Both Millie and Bongo offer Ace one last night of romance before he leaves, helping to hammer home just how dreamy Ace Rimmer is. It's great to see him play off his complete opposite in our Rimmer when he arrives, and it's once more the mix of a great science fiction idea and brilliant gags that make this such a classic episode. This isn't Ace Rimmer's last appearance, but it's by far his best. It's also another chance for our Rimmer's character to develop, as we see a young version of him and learn a bit about the events that shaped him - Ace Rimmer was kept back a year in school which forced him to knuckle down and make something of himself, but our Rimmer wasn't and never learned this lesson. Really, it's a key episode in our understanding of the character.

Best Gags:

Bongo: I know that this probably won't interest you, but I'd hate myself for the rest of my life if I didn't at least suggest it.
Ace: Suggest what?
Bongo: If you're interested, I'll be in my quarters at lunchtime, covered in taramasalata...

Rimmer: I don't believe anybody'd want to go on a fishing holiday where they know there's no fish.
Lister: What, we used to do it all the time, back home.  We used to go down to the canal.  Never any fish in that!  We used to go condom fishing.  I swear!  One time I caught this two-pound black ribbed knobbler!  It was about that big!  (Holds hands about half a meter apart.)

This next one is really in the way Danny John-Jules delivers the word 'fruitiest' that the line itself, but it kills me each time:

Cat: (reading from an in-flight magazine to calm himself during a crash) When most people think of classic wines, they are unlikely to consider the Estonian reds, yet Estonian grapes are among the fruitiest and most subtle.

6 Rimmerworld
I don't think I've ever seen this in a list of top Dwarf episodes, and I can't understand it - it's full of classic moments and quotes, albeit mainly from when Rimmer crashlands and begins the terraforming process. From the glimpse into how messed up his psyche is (his female clone would technically be his sister? What the hell, he just won't tell her), to his mis-recollection of the Red Dwarf crews names ('Custer! Derek Custer! Kit! Titan!), there's laugh out loud moments aplenty. The first half of the episode isn't at the same level as the second, but it's still very good, and leads well into the second half. I'm particularly fond of the severely eroded worry balls, and Lister's needlessly complicated escape plan getting shut down. It also has one of my favourite quotes from all of Red Dwarf, when Rimmer realises that he's alone on the planet with only the most basic of amoeba - 'Relationships would be difficult, but not impossible'.

Best Gags:

Cat: All in all, a one hundred percent successful trip!
Kryten: Sir, we lost Mr Rimmer!
Cat: All in all, a one hundred percent successful trip!

Rimmer: (narrating) A desert planet, the only life forms the most basic single-celled protozoa, and me. Relationships would be difficult, but not impossible

Rimmer: As I studied the pod's textbooks, my excitement grew. It seemed entirely possible for me to create a fully-grown female clone, using my own DNA as a template. This of course created the most enormous moral dilemma. Technically, she would be my sister, and therefore unable to take me as her lover. After much soul searching, I reluctantly decided, "What the hell", I just wouldn't tell her.

Lister: There's gotta be a way out. There hasn't been a prison built that could hold Derek Custer. Why don't we scrape away this mortar here, slide one of these bricks out, then using rope weaved from strands of this hessian, we can create a pulley system, so that when a guard comes in over the tripwire, he gets laid out and we put Rimmer in the guard's uniform, he leads us out, we steal some swords and fight our way back to the Bug.
Kryten: Or we could use the teleporter.


5 Back To Reality
I suppose this counts as something of a shock, doesn't it? Only number 5? Must be the only list where this hasn't topped it!

I'm not trying to say that Back to Reality isn't anything short of brilliant, because it is, but I just find the four episodes above it to have a bigger share of classic moments and quotes.

Having said that, there can't be much more of a shock to viewers than learning that Red Dwarf is really just a computer simulation game, and that our four intrepid heroes are actually four very different characters. Of course, out of these Duane Dibley is the most famous, and his first appearance is by far his funniest (I'm not a fan of his showing in Series VI's Emohawk, and don't get me started on Series VIII). To see the Cat as someone so completely different to his usual cool character is brilliant, and for someone so vain his despair is perfectly understandable. As is everyone elses, of course. Kryten taking a life, Lister being evil, and Rimmer not being able to blame his sad life on anyone else is too much for the Dwarfer's to take, and the moment where they almost commit suicide is a pretty dark piece of television for a comedy show. To take a concept like this and still make it hilarious shows just how much Red Dwarf was in its prime at the time. Watching the cast run around the cockpit imagining they're taking part in a high speed chase is classic, and there's a genuine sense of relief when they are brought, literally, back to reality at the end. It's the season finale after all, so the chance that they wouldn't make it is all too real. It's easy to understand why this is so many people's favourite, but the gags in the next four episodes listed here push them past this for me. And that is very high praise indeed.

Best Gags:

Lister: Why would a haddock kill itself?  Why am I even asking that question?

Lister: (being chased by the Despair Squid) There are only three alternatives. It thinks we're either a threat, food, or a mate.  It's gonna either kill us, eat us, or hump us.

Rimmer: I'm not a hologram.  (Smiles.)
Kryten: I'm half human!
Cat: And what the hell's happened to my teeth?!

Kryten: Listen, whoever you are: don't push your luck by ordering whoever I am around. Because, almost certainly, whoever I am, I'm not the kind of guy who's going to take any crap from whoever you are. So before you start ordering me around let's establish whether I'm the kind of guy who doesn't mind being ordered around, or if I'm the kind of guy who gets all up tight by being ordered around by whatever the kind of guy YOU are. Clear?
Rimmer: All I said was, "Open the next one."

4 Quarantine
Well I couldn't leave out the creation of Mr. Flibble could I? And really, there can't be many more iconic scenes of a character in a gingham dress in television history. The classic moments in this episode of numerous - from Rimmer first placing Lister, Kryten and Cat into quarantine upon their return from an away mission, to the infighting between the three of them barely five days later, to Rimmer's first appearance in the gingham dress. Rimmer has clearly gone stark raving nuts, and it's brilliant to watch. He's pretty messed up when he's not stark raving nuts, but he is really does go NUTS here. Mr. Flibble is the icing on the cake to Rimmer's ridiculous gingham outfit, and it really is only fitting that at the end of the episode the other three crew members don the same outfit and leave Rimmer in quarantine himself. The dialogue between the three during their time in quarantine is a particular highlight, especially seeing Kryten falling foul of the same frustration. It must be difficult spending that much time with your friends if it can break a mechanoid's programming! It's also a testament to the show, and the characters that have developed, that the strongest parts of the episode are those when they've returned to the show and it's just the main characters (and Mr. Flibble).

Best Gags:

Lanstrom: Hello. My name is Dr. Hildegard Lanstrom and I am quite, quite mad.
Rimer: Are you really?  How absolutely splendid!

Cat: Sexual magnetism is a virus?  Then get me to a hospital, I'm a terminal case!

Kryten: Well, let's forego the noise and the revolting burbling sound, and go straight to the really gross part, when you always, and I mean always, having blown your nose have to open up your handkerchief and take a look at the contents.  I mean, why?  What do you expect to see in there?  A Turner seascape, perhaps?  The face of the Madonna?  An undiscovered Shakespearian sonnet?

Rimmer: I can't let you out.
Lister: Why not?
Rimmer: Because the King of the Potato People won't let me.  I begged him.  I got down on my knees and wept.  He wants to keep you here. Keep you here for ten years.
Cat: Could we see him?
Rimmer: See who?
Cat: The King.
Rimmer: Do you have a magic carpet?
Lister: Yeah, a little three-seater.
Rimmer: So, let me get this straight.  You want to fly on a magic carpet to see the King of the Potato People and plead with him for your freedom, and you're telling me you are completely sane?!

then...

Lister: What do we do?
Cat: I think our only hope's the Potato King.

3 Gunmen of the Apocalypse

More from Series VI here, as we head into the top 3. Who doesn't love a Wild West theme? My wife, that's who. But this is my list not hers, and sticking a Wild West theme into a science fiction concept wouldn't be done this well again until Firefly. From the initial encounter with the Rogue Simulants (the crew disguised as ambassadors to the Great Vindalooian Empire is sensational), to seeing the Cat embracing his role as 'The Riviera Kid', to Rimmer's 'marvellous!' following the bar brawl (one of my favourite Dwarf moments), this episode is classic moment after classic moment. No wonder it was nominated for an Emmy. 

It also highlights Kryten's true worth to the crew. Just a mechanoid who serves his masters? This one can nullify complex computer viruses that it has never seen before! I also love how we start to see a few other inhabitants of the Red Dwarf universe; we meet Rogue Simulants here, and we'll meet GELFS in the next episode. They are, of course, not aliens, as the Red Dwarf universe is bereft of alien life, but they're examples of the sort of thing that humanity might create in the future, just like we've seen with the Polymorph in Polymorph. It's a great way of keeping the science fiction there, whilst maintaining the no-alien basis. 

Interestingly, if you read Last Human, Doug Naylour's solo Red Dwarf novel, the idea is raised again there but in a much, much darker and depressing fashion. All the novels are worth checking out, and dammit, I might just read them all again and blog about it.

Best Gags:

Kryten: It's rougue simulants all right.
Rimmer: Recommend immediate total and unequivical surrender.
Kryten: Sir, surrender is the worst thing we could do.  They despise humans and all forms of humanoid life.  They believe you to be the vermin of the universe sir.  (Looking at Lister).
Cat: I didn't know they'd met him!

Rimmer: I've no idea who you are, but boarding this vessel is an act of war.  Ergo, we surrender.  And as prisoners of war I invoke the All Nations Agreement article number 39436175880932/B.
Kryten: 39436175880932/B.  "All nations attending the conference are only allocated one parking space".  Is that entirely relevant, sir?  I mean, here we are in mortal danger, and you're worried about the Chinese  delegates bringing two cars?

Kryten: Sir, the only solution is for me to contract the virus myself, analyze it's structure and attempt to create a software antidote before it wipes out my core program.  Do I have your permission to sacrifice  myself, sirs?
Rimmer: Do Lemmings like cliffs?  Granted!

Rimmer: I've seen Westerns, I know how to speak cowboy. (they approach the saloon bar) Dry white wine and Perrier please. And what about you two chaps?

2 Psirens
So that's a third episode from Series VI, and the second in the top 3. Right from the off, Series VI had incredible gag after incredible gag. From Lister's memory slowly coming back, to Cat and Lister falling for the Psiren's illusions, to Lister's slimy Psiren-kiss, it's chockful of some of Red Dwarf's greatest moments. The choice to move the show entirely onto Starbug doesn't affect it one bit, and as this is my favourite series maybe it was a stroke of genius. Admittedly, I've never quite figured how the Psirens can stab a plastic straw through a human's skull without it bending, but maybe that's being a bit too picky...

I love the entirety of the opening sequence, featuring my second favourite line of the show ('Do I have a head shaped like an amusing ice cube?!), giving new fans a quick introduction to the characters, and old fans joy at seeing gags like Rimmer's little finger of charm, and Lister's acknowledgement that he really can't play the guitar. The guitar, of course, features again later as a way to identify a Psiren masquerading as Lister ('That dude could play!').

It almost won first place on this list. Almost. But first place just has that little bit extra. Read the best gags from this episode, and then find out what won...

Best Gags:

Lister: I play guitar?
Kryten: Do I have a head shaped like an amusing ice cube?!

Rimmer: Lister, tune into Sanity-FM!
Lister: Are you saying they were Psirens?
Rimmer: Of course, it's as plain as a Bulgarian pin-up!

Pete Tranter's Sister: You know what you want. You want to squeeze my buttocks together, to make one juicy, giant peach.

Lister: How did you know he wasn't me?
Cat: Because that dude could play!


1 Legion
And so to the top spot. Yep, once again it's from Series VI. My greatest episode of Red Dwarf is Legion. The one where the crew meet Legion, who turns out to be a gestalt entity, made up of the combined intellects and personalities of anyone who is present on board his space station. It's a great sci-fi concept, it features the first appearance of Rimmer's Hard Light Drive and Red Dwarf's greatest nitpick (Lister's double appendectomy), but most of all it's packed full of classic line after classic line, and classic moment after classic moment. The sequence where the Red Dwarf crew first settle down to eat is my favourite of the entire show, from the classic gag about the light switch (the greatest line in the show's history) to their inability to work the anti-matter chopsticks. Furthermore, there's the blue/red alert gag, Lister's space weevil breakfast, the out of tune guitar, opening communications in all known languages (including Welsh)...the list goes on and on. Series VI is the funniest and most strongly written of all Red Dwarf, and this is the pinnacle. A very, VERY worthy winner.

Best Gags:

Rimmer: Step up to Red Alert!
Kryten: Sir, are you absolutely sure? It does mean changing the bulb.

Rimmer: Open communication channels, Lister. Broadcast on all known frequences, and in all known languages, including Welsh.

Rimmer: (Leaning forward against the back of a chair.) We've got to persuade him to come with us.  He'd get us back to Earth in weeks!  And what a team we'd make.  Legion, with his scientific genius, intellect,  culture and sophistication, and us with... (He stops abruptly, realising that his scheme has hit a slight snag.) with...
Lister: With our red alert bulb.

Rimmer: (Next to white box on wall) Now, this 3-dimensional sculpture in particular is quite exquisite. Its simplicity, its bold, stark lines. Pray, what do you call it?
Legion: The...light switch.
Rimmer: The light switch.
Legion: Yes.
Rimmer: I couldn't buy it then?
Legion: Not really...I need it to turn the lights on and off!

Lister: (after strumming guitar to hear it completely out of tune) Amazing. Doesn't even need tuning!

Legion: You truly believed I would be fooled by that schlock plan from 'Revenge of the Surfboarding Killer Bikini Vampire Girls'?!


So there we have it...
10 classic episodes from Red Dwarf. Unequivocally the greatest science fiction comedy show of all time. Do you agree with the choices on this list? Would you have had the same 10 in a different order? A completely different 10? Let me know!