Revisiting Doctor Who – Series 2, Episode 10 – Love & Monsters

Revisiting Doctor Who – Series 2, Episode 10 – Love & Monsters

Marc Warren runs up a hill, and comes across the TARDIS. There’s some paper rolling across the ground in front of him like tumbleweed, which is symbolic of this episode as a whole. Marc hears The Doctor and Rose shouting and goes to investigate. He opens a door and some beast roars at him. It cuts to him making a Vlog, and he wants to tell us the rest of his story.

Cue title sequence…

The Doctor appears behind the beast, tempting him with meat while Rose throws the wrong colour bucket of water over him. There’s some chasing from one side of some rooms to the other, which was funny in one cartoon when I was three, but now? Seriously? I know this is a kid’s show, but seriously?

Marc does some filming of his home. He’s a great actor, but already this is rubbish. Or is it just that I’ve already seen it and know it’s rubbish? Apparently he saw a disapproving looking Doctor when he was young. Marc’s name is actually Elton. He was there when the Auton’s caused hell in Rose. He saw the space ship crash in World War III (or whatever part 1 of that arc was). He saw the Racknos, he met Jackie Tyler, he did a bunch of things. Actually, this bit isn’t so bad because it’s basically just Marc Warren. Though at the same time, he’s now just dancing and what the hell has that got to do with the plot? Oh, right; ‘filler’. His computer once blew up because the internet was being used a lot (I get that this is supposed to be ‘funny’, but meh). He met Ursula who runs a blog about The Doctor. She’s part of an inner sanctum, studying the Time Lord, and something bad is going to happen to her, something ridiculously stupid. Oh look! It’s Michael from Alan Partridge in their special group! There are other people I recognise, but they aren’t Michael so I won't name them. Also I've already forgotten their names. They call themselves LINDA, which stands for something.

They do readings, group therapy, form a band. Though this is dull as sin, at least Peter Kay hasn’t arrived ye- Oh look, there he is. Believe it or not, the episode goes downhill from here.

Peter Kay is dressed like a pimp, which would probably make for a more exciting episode. They do some talking or something, I don’t know. It’s hard to hear over the sound of my inner-fan dying. ‘Bliss’, which is a stupid name, stays behind to talk to ‘Mr Kennedy’, which is an alter ego of Peter Kay. She screams, so maybe she heard about the plot for this episode.

Mr Kennedy has taken over the group, without any protest, which is stupid. I know these are underground conspiracy-type people, who are likely to straight away cede leadership of a group to someone they've only just met, but this is just stupid.

Gods, what’s happening now? Peter Kay doesn’t like being touched, apparently. I don’t want to know any more about that.

They’re hunting Rose and The Doctor at the moment. Ha, actually it was pretty funny when Marc Warren though it’d take ages to find Rose and a lady pointed out her exact address straight immed-Oh, he’s dancing again. Great. He deliberately bumps into Jackie in a launderette. I do like Jackie. She’s already made this episode eighty-three times better. ‘The Adventures of Jackie Tyler’. That would be awesome. She melts my heart with her smile. Why does she have trouble finding a man? She’s lovely, with beautiful eyes. Quite domineering, but then I quite like that I’m getting off track a bit.

Where was I? Oh yeah, this episode sucks. And written by Russell T Davies! How?! He’s a fantastic writer! I don’t care if his cliffhanger resolutions aren’t always brilliant, he’s one of Who’s greatest assets in the…Russell T Davies era.

There’s a love plot or two going on here. Sweet Marc Warren, not realising that Jackie is deliberately finding jobs to keep him arou-Christ that’s a short skirt, Jackie. Yep, Jackie and her seduction attempts are easily the best thing in this episode. I could watch this all day. Ha, the way she pours the wine all over him! Repeatedly! Seriously, that bit is classic. I mean, don’t sit through all of this episode just for that one bit; just look it up on YouTube.

Jackie then gets morose when Rose rings, but Marc Warren gets pizza. Is this episode meant to show what happens to those left behind? Oh gods, he’s dancing again. STOP DANCING MARC, PLEASE! I WANT MY SCIENCE FICTION DRAMA BACK! Oh, here’s a bit of drama. Jackie discovers Marc just wants The Doctor. And look, she mentioned being left behind! I was right! Woo! I don’t know why I’m celebrating. I think perhaps with this episode, you need to take anything you can.

The group are arguing blah blah blah. Yeah, screw you Kennedy, we’re off for a Chinese takeaway. I’d love a Chinese right now. It’s lunchtime and I’m hungry. I DO have a delicious Beef Wellington that my wife made, so I’ll just have to enjoy that instead. I’ll enjoy it a lot more than the rest of this episode, anyway. Oh, Michael’s about to get done in by Kennedy. Marc and the other one head back inside, to find Kennedy hiding behind a newspaper. They hear Michael calling for help, and find that Kennedy has transformed into something that isn’t Peter Kay. He absorbs his victims, which just comes across as overly strange, both visually and whatever the opposite of visually is. An ‘Abzorbaloff’, so he is named. He absorbs Marc’s girlfriend too. Well, I preferred Jackie, anyway. Peter Kay looks like he’s having a poo, which is just bizarre. Also, the award for ‘Best Stating of the Bleeding Obvious’ goes to his girlfriend, who says, quite seriously, that she can read the Abzorbaloff’s thoughts and that Marc Warren is next. No. Freakin’. Way. Peter Kay is chasing him in his underpants, which is not a sentence I will ever type in a positive way.

Thank the gods, The Doctor is here at last. And Rose is annoyed with Marc for upsetting Jackie. Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah absorbing blah blah blah blah Doctor uses reverse psychology blah blah blah blah the absorbed people try to pull Peter Kay apart while Marc destroys his cane, melting him. Then the most ridiculously ridiculous thing of all happens, as the absorbed people become paving stones, and Marc has the strangest relationship with his girlfriend that the world has ever seen.

The Doctor reveals that when Marc saw him years ago, he’d been investigating a beast in the shadows, but he couldn’t stop it killing Marc’s mum. This part is actually really tragic. Like, SERIOUSLY tragic. I get really upset nowadays about that sort of thing. Doesn’t make it a worse episode, but you hope for an ending to cheer you up and well, that ain’t happening.

There’s a quick montage of the group, as Marc talks about people paying the price for knowing The Doctor. It’s also revealed that it’s The Doctor’s fault that Marc’s girlfriend has been turned into a paving stone, as he did some reversal thingy that-OH THANK GOD IT’S FINISHED!

You might have guessed that I’m not a fan of this episode. I know that fans of cult television are prone to going over the top, and I’m fully willing to accept that children will probably really enjoy this episode (and, if I’m honest, it’s clearly just trying to be harmless fun) but I just find it terrible from start to finish. Doctor-lite episodes can be phenomenal (Blink and Turn Left are two of the best episodes ever), but this is appalling. The constant wasting of screentime with Marc Warren dancing? What the hell does that have to do with Doctor Who? It doesn’t make me warm to the character any better. Marc Warren is one of my favourite British actors, and if nothing else he’s very good in the role here, it’s just that the role is terrible.

The only bits that are any good are the bits with Jackie Tyler. It really is genuinely hilarious when she tries to seduce him, particularly where she repeatedly throws wine over him. One of the funniest moments Who has ever produced, in my opinion. There’s also meant to be a genuine attempt to have us think about how life with The Doctor affects those left behind, but we’ve seen that done far better with Mickey. He was with Rose and The Doctor for a large part of the series so far, yet left behind at the same time, and we have every sympathy for him because of it. In this episode I just don’t care. Well, I feel sorry for Jackie and all, but I don’t go away thinking about how awful it is for those left behind. I just wish the episode would hurry up and finish.

Ursula will never age apparently, though she doesn’t see the problem with this. She doesn’t see the problem with spending the rest of eternity as a paving slab, who will see Elton (and any love after it) die. There is literally no way this would not drive someone insane after about five minutes. I know this episode is plainly designed for younger children, but it’s horrific on so many levels (not just it’s quality). Also, Elton and Ursula apparently have a bit of a love life. I really think he gets the better end of the stick there.

Seriously, if you wanted to put someone off Doctor Who for life, this is how to do it. I know this was designed by a child for Blue Peter, and my conscience is racked with guilt for criticising it, but there are so many ways that they could have told a better story. That's the bigger problem than the monster itself. True, I can’t think of any, but there simply must be, because there can’t be anything worse than this. And from Russell The Davies, too! Perhaps it's also the fact that a 9-year old boys idea of a monster isn't necessarily something that is going to work well on screen, in a television story. That's no fault of the child, but a fault of the producers either committing to feature the winner in the episode, or picking a creature that wouldn't translate well. 

Torchwood Mentions

Victor Kennedy notes that the Bad Wolf Virus erased all mention of Rose Tyler from the Torchwood files on The Doctor (nice mention of Bad Wolf there!).

Harold Saxon Mentions

Our first airing of the name Harold Saxon, as a poll mentions him in the newspaper that the Abzorbaloff is reading.

Overall

Whilst children might find this brilliant, anyone else will likely find this to be the worst episode of Doctor Who ever created. The comedy isn’t funny, the characters aren’t likeable, and the villain just doesn’t work. Besides one genuinely hilarious scene involving Jackie Tyler (though when isn’t there a genuinely hilarious scene involving Jackie Tyler?), I can’t find a single thing to recommend about it.

1/10